Confidence or Cocky?

We all know someone who is cocky.  Most of us see it as a feature we don’t want.  But where’s the line between confidence and cocky?

I have an accountability group right now that is working on building confidence, self worth, self esteem, resilience, determination and willpower as part of a weight loss program.  One of their challenges was to write positive things about themselves.  It’s the hardest part of the challenge.  They can do everything else I ask, but when it comes to writing or saying positive things about themselves, they falter.

Isn’t it so much easier to believe the negative stuff?  The bullshit?  The stories we make up about ourselves?  “How could I love myself like this”.  We take every comment, every insult hurled at us in anger, every concept of what society says we are and we measure ourselves on some yardstick.  When we can’t measure up, we automatically assume the worst about ourselves.  We believe the negative things people say about us “She doesn’t know what she’s doing”.  “she’s so fat, how can she wear that?” And my personal favourite “Who does she think she is?”… we know the things people have said about us.  And we process it and make it mean a lot about us.

When it comes time to write something positive, could you do it?  Could you write that you are beautiful, amazing, talented, special, sexy, smart?  When we are faced with this challenge we get an up-close look  into our psyche; the difficulty of the task should show us that we live in a pretty fucked up world when we can’t say anything nice about ourselves, especially when it’s based in fear that others might think we think too much of ourselves.

When asked “why can’t you do it” tonight a client said “I think it’s cocky and I don’t like that”.

WOAH nelly.  Now we’re getting somewhere.

See, our subconscious mind runs everything we do about 96% of the time.  When we want to change our lives, we have to change our subconscious patterning.  And that means being willing to look at the why behind some of our quirks. It’s not always easy.  In fact, it can be downright painful.  When we air out the cobwebs of how we talk to ourselves about ourselves it’s a nasty eye opening experience.  Try it for yourself.  For my group, it was Day 1.  What do you really think about yourself?  And it’s not only painful to go through, it’s painful and heart wrenching to watch.

“I’m a total failure”

“I can’t get anything right”

“I’ll never lose weight because I’m just fat and lazy”

To see how we talk about ourselves to ourselves is an eye opening experience of what society has taught us is acceptable behaviour.  Media and the diet industry promote self hate…that’s why they make so much money… the latest quick fix, bandaid, fad diet bullshit they’re selling.  You’re hoping to buy your self worth every time you purchase it because they promise you that everything you ever wanted is on the other side of 40/50/100 lbs of weight loss.

But it’s not out there in some package.  It’s inside of you.  What you need is to understand why you do the things you do and learn how to change that subconscious patterning and behaviour. And that starts with uncovering your beliefs about yourself and creating positive self talk to help repattern your self worth – change your self worth and your habits/desires change with it.

Imagine that saying something nice about yourself is so hard?  That’s sad.  But I get it.  I battled my own demons for years on this one and I’d be lying if I said it’s not daily work… but with daily work you start to see it, you start to believe it, you start to like yourself and even love yourself.  Who knew that weight loss could actually come from thinking yourself thin?

Tonight I had someone get real with me and say “I don’t want to be cocky”.  And I thought what’s cocky mean?  What’s the difference between cocky and confident?  Is there really a difference?  Are cocky people just confident and we’re so uncomfortable with people liking themselves that we can’t handle it?

Or is there more to it?

Of course there’s more to it!  There always is!

Cockiness is arrogant.  It’s gotten from something outside of ourselves.  Confidence is self assurance.  Cockiness is gotten through possessions, constant praise (excessive self praise is a key element here!), financial status, privilege.  It’s gotten through force and it’s maintained by something outside of the person.

Confidence is an understanding that you’re human – no better or worse than anyone else.  You have great days and bad days.  You learn from your mistakes and try to do better, you treat yourself with compassion.  Cocky people have a false sense of who they are… take away their external support system and their confidence goes with it.  Confident people have self worth from within, they are ambitious but not ruthless (tearing others down to prove their own worth), Confident people believe in their own ability to respond to life.  It’s not about being perfect, it’s about learning from failure and moving forward.

In a world where we focus so much on we’re not, it’s time for women and men to step into the awesomeness that is them and them alone.  We’re all different, with different experiences that have shaped who we are.  We all have something amazing to share with the world.

Why are we afraid of confidence?  Why is not ok for women especially to be confident?  Why is it confused with cockiness?  Because so few are able to stand unabashed in the awesomeness of their true worth and potential?  Why does confidence make us uncomfortable?  These are the questions we need to ask.

And we need to give ourselves permission to be confident.  We need to give ourselves permission to think nicely about ourselves.  We need to give ourselves permission to see our worth and to be able to stand in it.  We need to think positive thoughts about ourselves.  It’s the true path to creating exactly what we want in life.  It’s the path of being able to let go of our weight issues.  It’s the path of being able to find peace and happiness in our lives.

Confidence and cocky are not the same thing.  Confidence comes from within… from knowing what your talents are, from being able to accept a compliment, from being able to give a genuine compliment and being able to see yourself in a positive light – to be able to see your positive qualities and not feel the need to dull it down to make others comfortable.  If they’re uncomfortable in the presence of your awesomeness that’s their problem, not yours.

I urge you, today, to write a list of the beautiful and amazing qualities you possess.  Write a list of the talents and traits you have.  It will be difficult at first, but as you expand and grow, you become more comfortable in owning it and making no apologies for who you are, not feeling the need to dampen your light because others are uncomfortable with it.  And it does get easier and there’s a humbleness to it, a peace about it, a serenity about it that cannot be confused with cockiness because confident people lift each other up, cocky people put each other down.

This reminds me of a Marianne Williamson Quote:


Give yourself permission to be amazing, to step into all that you can be, don’t be held back by definitions, terms and fears of what others think… they will criticize you anyway, they will label you, but that can only define you if you allow it to.

Don’t dim your light to make others feel secure…you were born to be amazing x0x0.


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