Not Ready To Make Nice…

Positive thinking is the new social norm… if you aren’t making the best of a bad situation, if you complain at all, ever, or don’t forgive and forget immediately it would appear you’re a fucking negative nancy (sorry to my nancy girls… you just got the bad wrap on this one!) and no one wants to be around you…

But let’s hold the fuck up here for a minute, shall we?

Life is hard for one.  Not in the #firstworldproblems hard but I mean actually fucking, like being raped, can’t have babies, can’t seem to get ahead… I mean, sometimes life beats you down and then the positive thinkers tell you that you attracted it all somehow – like law of attraction, ya know?

And then you find yourself trapped in this place where you don’t even know what to say or do because you’re terrified you’re going to attract more crap and you’re not wanting to be the negative nancy, so you pretend you’re ok.  You pep talk yourself every day, you post all the quotes online, you think if you can “think yourself happy” you’ll be happy.

But let’s be real for a moment, shall we?

I love positive thinking.  I 100% believe we need to focus on what we want to create, tell the story more of where we’re going instead of where we’ve been… BUT… putting sparkles on crap doesn’t make the crap nicer.  It just means you put sprinkles on it and it’s just crap with sprinkles on it.

It’s like mowing the lawn.  You mow off the dandelions and it looks like beautiful nice green grass again. But tomorrow what do you see?  Dandelions.  Because you didn’t get the roots!  If you wanna get rid of the weeds you’ve got to get into the roots.

If not, you just take positive thinking and put it over things and pretend everything’s fine and you’ve got to pep talk yourself through life. How fun is that?  Not any, let me tell you.  Been there.  Done that.

Had a breakdown.

Weeded the garden.  Rebuilt my life.  Created a solid healthy foundation.  Have healthy coping tools to keep the weeds away and when they go grow, to weed the garden.

But I still see this.  Over and over again people bandaiding, pretending and acting as if …

Here’s the thing, things happen, life is crappy sometimes, not everything happens because of “law of attraction” – I mean, can you tell me how that works for children who are raped, abused, people killed by drunk drivers… perhaps it’s our path, our purpose in this life, but saying we attracted it only adds to the self blame and self shame that so many victims already feel… so spare me the law of attraction talk… I get the conversation.  I understand it. This post isn’t about that so I’ll leave it to *please be careful what you say to someone in crisis who has had a traumatic experience – they don’t need more self blame on their shoulders* Anyhow… life can throw us lemons, experiences that hurt our soul, challenges that we have to work through…

To grow through, to become who we are, to find ourself, to reclaim all the parts we’ve lost, to find our strength and our power and our passion…

Whatever the reason… it’s ok to not be ready to make nice, to not be ready to forgive, to not be ready to let go, to just not be ready…

The first person I told I was having a hard time said “still?” HARD STOP.  I took the lid off my abuse just a month before.  ONE MONTH.  I was barely started dealing with the healing journey, never mind STILL dealing with it.

This attitude hurt me.  It stopped me when I was just ready to get started.  I did, thankfully, get started and keep going and have healed immensely in just a few short years because of my commitment and relentlessness to finding a way to heal.

BUT, there’s no date, there’s no time line to be “done”, we all have a different learning format, different experience, different processing and different ways of coping and dealing…

And I can tell you I’m a very positive, happy person… and the biggest reason is because instead of pretending I was ok I allowed myself to feel what I felt, to take the time I needed to dig into, process, uncover, learn, feel, heal what I had been covering up.

I stopped pretending.  And I let myself sit in it.  In fact, this is still my biggest coping tool… to allow myself to experience, explore, feel what I’m feeling, process it, learn from it, take the lessons, let go of the rest and then, as if by magic, feeling better, more empowered and stronger.

That’s the process as it has worked for me and the hundreds of women I’ve coached and who have come through my retreats and events.  You’ve got to deal with it, go through it, allow it to process, on your time, not feel like you’ve got to forgive, to let go, to move on, to pretend…

Because you know what that is?

That’s more of the same conditioning to make everyone else comfortable, to stuff down what you’re going through to make others ok, it’s pretending to somewhere you’re not and you know what that does?  It holds you back ultimately, because you spend all your time mowing over the weeds – day in and day cutting off the same weeds and looking at the green grass and seeing that everything is fine…

But right below the surface is a field of weeds and they will take over; eventually you won’t be able to stop them; they’ll grow faster and faster so you can’t mow them off… so that no amount of sprinkles will cover it up.

The best way to real power, to real positivity, to real green fields is to allow yourself to be where you are, to explore what’s underneath, to allow yourself to feel what you feel – even if that’s not ready to make nice, not ready to forgive.  That doesn’t make you a bad person.  It doesn’t mean you’re going to attract negative stuff.

It means you’re not ready.

It means you’ve got work to do, cleaning and healing of the old wounds. That’s all it means.  So let yourself be there, in the not ready, in the darkness, in the negativity because it’s there you will learn what’s really underneath it, where the weeds are so you can get into the roots and weed the garden…

You will then find yourself in a natural place of positivity, of power, of realness – not a fake place of pretending to be somewhere you aren’t.

Let yourself be where you are for that is the true path to where you are meant to be and where you going.



PS… if you want chat about how I can help you – reach out -> contact me.

PPS… leave the real dandelions – for the bees 🙂

8 thoughts on “Not Ready To Make Nice…

  1. Melissa says:

    Wow! This was really want I needed to read. Im going though a major life change that I didnt decide on. It was decided for me and I juat had to deal with it. Im angry and really not on a good place mentally because of it. I recently commented on a post on facebook and was told not to start with my shit. Then when talking about my current situation with family I had a few roll their eyes and walk away. It made me feel like I just need to act like everything was fine and to shut up. This though has made me think that its ok to not be fine thank you for this


  2. Lucy B says:

    This stuck me at the right time (of course). I’ve been so focused on living in the light, doing my self care, looking after my responsibilities, managing my emotions, that I hit a wall yesterday. A dark wall. I’ve been out the abusive situation for a while and I don’t ever want to feel that low again, but…I didn’t realize I had to sit with my fear in order to process it. I have to stop putting sprinkles on it, just let it be.
    I have to be so strong for my family, but it’s exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be allowed to react inappropriately, and be able to get mad, soak in the anger, but I can’t…too many witnesses…
    “Leave with grace”. Sometimes I want to shove grace in a muddy puddle!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tonya Whittle says:

      UGH ! I love this SO much Lucy! Like fuck yes! Be a god damn human being sometimes… we need to let it… yes, in healthy ways but we need to process it without feeling bad, without feeling like we have to be positive and happy and sunshiny all the time! It’s not realistic and it doesn’t allow us to process our emotions. When we don’t process them it turns heavy and toxic inside and will eventually cause us to this those walls… let it out girl, let it out!


  3. drrobinrise says:

    Posted on my facebook page: More on being “blamed” for experiencing the whole of life fully thanks to Tonya Whittle​–with all of our emotional guidance systems. There’s science to explain what happens to emotions that “go underground” in your cells…which might explain exhaustion, disease, auto-immune disease, obesity, addictions etc. Express rather than repress, depress, oppress, suppress, impress…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tonya Whittle says:

      Thanks so much for this Robin! It’s so true… we’re held to some strange standards. We need to feel what we feel, emotions are healthy – ALL OF THEM – at certain times. not allowing ourselves to experience them is what causes toxic emotional and overwhelming meltdowns, closed off, angry and more… we need to allow ourselves to feel so we can truly embrace and experience life!


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