Missing Pieces of Me

At time it seemed so strange to me, the feeling of being out of control, of “waking up” and wondering what the fuck I was doing with my life?

I had been working, pushing, toiling and tolling on to create something – make something of myself, but I’m not sure I ever know what I was doing.  Caught in the never ending freight train of a purposeless life, trying to build something, make something, create something that made a difference but destroying my own life in the process.

 

I’m not sure I was ever thinking clearly back then.  I was reacting to everything.  When things went wrong I was in a downward spiral… living in fear that it was all coming to an end.

And it did.  A self fulfilling prophecy.  I was focused on what wasn’t working, on what was going wrong and I couldn’t seem to solve any problems because I was still operating from the place that created the problems in the first place.

We can’t solve a problem from the space that created the problem.  We have to get to the space of finding solutions. That was no easy feat having to take a look at mindset, beliefs, and ultimately, for me, trauma, that created a lot of unhealthy beliefs, lack of confidence, fear, people pleasing, no boundaries, setting myself on fire to warm up others, no self worth or esteem…

There was a lot of “stuff” to look at.

But it led me to the realization that we’re all seeking something… something profound, something powerful, something more.  We’re all feeling like we’re just existing, trying to figure out the magic formula that will make us feel better – new shoes? more food? weight loss? new car? new house? new spouse?

But we find that once the shine wears off – whether it’s the newness or the first bite – nothing matters and we’re down in the dumps again. It’s a short won battle for the never ending not enoughness, nothingness, wishing and craving for more but always settling for short term gain and long term pain.

There’s something missing.

And it’s not going to be found in the food or the new shoes or more stuff.  It’s not going to be found in running away or changing up partners or people or life.  It will be found in the willingness to stop, to stand in the pain, the hurt, the nothingness, the not enoughness and let it teach you.

For there is something missing that cannot be gotten when you refuse to explore, to look deeper, to stand in the storms without eating or drinking or fucking or checking out or avoiding or shopping or anything else one does to “escape” the reality.

See, we’re all taught to live a certain way – to push for more – to get the corporate job, the big money, the RRSP, the house, the cars, the partner, the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the pets, the vacation home, the travel each year, the cruise, the boat – the constant fucking up levelling of a life that provides no real connection, no real meaning, nothing other than stuff until you’re drowning in stuff and desperate for connection.

We think getting the degree, the bank account and checking off the boxes will make us happy.

And we wake up one day – disconnected, binge eating, drinking or smoking to get by, to fill the void that we’re created between us and what we really wanted, between us and love, between us and connection.

In our constant search to be something we lose who we are, buried in trauma and a culture of silence that shuts us down.  Buried in the struggle to prove that we’re “something” other than what we fear we are. Buried in stuff and starved for connection and profound love.

The not enoughness permeates us.  It eats at us.  And we’re stuffing it all down because the truth doesn’t go with our image.

When I asked myself who’s dream was I building anyway I realized it wasn’t the dream I had.  It had gotten tangled up as I began giving people what I thought they wanted, what would make them happy and successful and that meant I’d be good enough.

I just wanted to help people realize they were in control of their lives, they could change their perception, heal their wounds and change their lives.  But I got caught in the significance of building something that when I had it I realized it was never what I wanted. It didn’t feel right.

And I listened to that and came back to the drawing board of what I was here to create and that was to help women reclaim their power in life.

And that starts with getting back to our instincts, nature, willingness to change, to look at things differently, to hold our own, to say what we mean and mean what we say, to stand up for ourselves and others, to stop trading ourselves and putting ourselves last.

It’s in the return to ancient wisdom, wild woman, returning to the sisterhood, letting down masks, supporting and growing friendships, families, and communities together.  And we can only do that when we return to who we are.

It’s time to stop living the wrong dream, time to stop suffocating yourself in stuff that keeps you making bad decisions to feed your addiction to stuff and keeping up the outward appearances. It’s time to take a journey inward to find the missing parts of yourself that have been lost in conditioning and life’s hardships, in fear and uncertainty and seeking comfort in what you know… that in the moment the instant quick fix choice will give you short term relief but long term pain.

You will not be healed by external things, you will be healed by finding those missing pieces and reclaiming all of yourself.

We’re all feeling the effects of a world gone wrong – a madness of sorts – because we are disconnected from who we are, what we want and what real happiness, true love and connection feels like.  We’re all scared and hiding who we are because the world has consistently provided us with messages of do more, be more, get this, that and more of this and that to be happy.

But none of that will make you happy.  There’s nothing wrong having things but there’s a difference in having them as a compliment to your life and having them to feel good enough or better than others or to replace missing human connection.

Filling the void with things will only lead to more pain.  The solution is finding your missing bits that have been lost and sticking them back together and you will find a more meaningful, more purposeful life!

Tonya

PS… if I can help you with this process – please book an appointment here => Book a Virtual Tea.

 

2 thoughts on “Missing Pieces of Me

  1. Nancy says:

    Love this!!!! The more you truly listen the more you realize the “stuff” doesn’t matter. The doing, the living, the being is what matters. Not what you are driving or wearing!

    Like

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