Walls Verses Shields

The way we live doesn’t work.  Hear me out.

Most people are seeking some form of happiness but they want the world to change for them instead of changing their own perception, perspective and what we make things mean.

If you’re like me, you were raised in a world where increasingly people are offended about everything, social media has made it easy to verbally attack and bully people and have an “opinion” on anything, which is often uninformed and ignorant and saying they’re “entitled” to that opinion.  People attack each other, bully, name call …

The list is endless.

Many people are seeking happiness in a world that has learned to react and overreact to things instead of responding to things.  When we react to things, we are coming from a place of triggers, wounds, belief systems that are being aggravated. We often get heated here and say and do things out of alignment.

When we respond to things we are using both head and heart logic.  We can see someone else’s point of view, why they are that way and we can reply without being triggered, we can walk away without taking it on.

The way we are living isn’t working for most people.  It’s a reactionary world where people don’t look beyond being triggered in the moment. I’ve seen in my world and my work that we have 2 types of people, mostly.  There is a 3rd and I’ll get there – because that 3rd type is where I believe we should all be headed and that will not only help us but help the world.

I’ve found most people are enablers or enabled.  In order to have an enabled person they must have enablers…. enablers are people who give in, who make things better, who fix what’s not theirs to fix, who accept blame for what’s not theirs to accept, they make things “better” by giving someone what they want, they often ‘feel bad” and therefore enable certain behaviours.  This can be discrete and manipulative.  Or it can it be overt.  It can come from guilt inducing behaviours, someone playing the victim card or it can come from overt fear – walking on egg shells because of someone’s outburst, violent behaviours. It’s the smoothing over of things.

There’s no set standard and it and it can be sneaky.  An enabler often feels everything is their fault.  They take blame and responsibility for things that are not theirs.  And they feel guilt and shame, frequently. Even when logically they know they shouldn’t.

Then there’s the enabled.  These people want to be tended to, catered to, get their own way, have everything the way they want.  They meet their needs through controlling others, getting what they want, creating a controlling environment.  An enabled person is often the victim of circumstances or other people’s behaviours or problems.

Enablers find themselves torn.  They fear that if they say or do something the person will end up worse off.  And the enabled person will often play on these very emotions, keeping an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.

As an enabler in my own life, I often attracted people into my life who needed to be right, who treated me poorly, who I felt responsible to “fix”.  There were many times I wanted to speak up, but couldn’t, for fear they’d leave, end their life, not understand, lash out, get angry.

I learned to silence myself. And it didn’t feel good but I placated people, a lot.  I gave in.  I apologized for what wasn’t mine to apologize for.  I accepted blame.  I took responsibility.  I made it better.

And I put up with some seriously shitty behaviour. I expected nothing from people and I got even less than that.

When I started to find my voice, stop enabling, started speaking up, those who were being enabled didn’t like it.  When I cut people out of my life because they treated me poorly or expected me to set myself on fire for them, it wasn’t easy.

But as Oprah says “manage your energy and who you have in your life because they won’t.  And they will bring you down.”

It’s really easy to believe that you’re not enough.  It’s easy to listen to the negative thinking, the naysayers.  It’s easy to believe it’s all your fault.  It’s easy to see yourself as less than in a world where people feel it’s ok to attack, say things, to be negative.

But there is another way.  Because the way the world requires us to live isn’t normal for us.  We need space, clarity, focus, nature, movement, compassion, empathy.  We can recognize that a person has a lot going on, but we don’t have to listen to their version of the truth, we don’t have to bend ourselves to fit into place we don’t really belong.

But that requires an exploration of ourselves, so we can stand firmly on our path, see that it’s different than someone else’s, recognize that what someone else needs us to be that isn’t who we are means it’s not the right fit, not that there’s something wrong with you.

The deeper into self exploration you go, the harder it is to be in places, with people, that want you to be something or someone you aren’t.  And learning to be yourself in a world that has consistently told you to be something else is even harder. But it’s necessary in order for you to stand on your own 2 feet and make decisions that are in alignment with you.

It’s the difference in shields versus walls.

When we put a wall up, we hide behind a mask and become someone else.  We become what someone needs us to be, we hide, we enable, we bend. But when we use a shield, we deflect someone else’s stuff.  We sent it back to them, we don’t engage, we don’t get involved, we don’t take it.

But we stay who are.  Honouring their path and journey as different than our own but realizing that it’s not worth being in a situation with anyone who requires us to be someone we aren’t, or who requires us to give up ourselves, or puts us down or hurts us repeatedly.

When it comes at a cost of self worth, self respect, self love and requires you to change who you are to please someone else, to bend until you break, to give until you’re exhausted,  it’s not a cost worth paying.

Trust me.

You have a right to be happy, to take care of yourself, to know yourself, to spend time on things you love, to be connected to yourself, to ask to be treated fairly and with respect.

And when it doesn’t happen, know it’s ok for you to walk away, to say no, to step back, to cut out, to cut off… because it’s your life and you have only one of them.  And you deserve to be happy and healthy and live a life that’s in alignment with what you want.

See I know that you have a dream – there’s this underlying knowing that you have, a vision, a dream, a belief that you can have, do, be, more.  You wait for permission.  You think if you do enough for people, if they could just “see” you, then you’ll be validated and get approval and permission and ultimately love, connection and a sense of belonging.

Because isn’t that all any of us really want?

But I promise you, changing yourself to fit will only result in you not recognizing who you are, in a place that you don’t belong.  Because the right people will never ask you to be someone you aren’t. They will accept and love you for who you are, even if they don’t understand your path.

The world we live in requires us to have shields, to block negative energy, things that aren’t right for us, to send back negative energy to it’s source, to deflect people, places and things that aren’t right for us.

We don’t need walls.  Walls keep us in and keep us a prisoner and changes us.

Be the 3rd type of person – do your own deep dive, know yourself, stand in your power of who you are, put up your shields, live in a  world where you are accepted for who you are and those you surround yourself with empower, support and encourage you.

And if you don’t have that, find it. I promise you, it’s life changing.

Tonya

PS… if you need to join a tribe who will help you do that – join the 100 Wild Women.  That’s the work we’re doing 🙂  Check it out here -> 100 Women.  We’re helping you create the world you want to live in!

 

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