Sitting on my bench with my favourite tree one day, I was seeking answers to some deep questions… remnants of my eating disorders and body hate simmering under the surface. Would they ever really go away, I wondered?
Most times I didn’t think about it. I was living my life without a constant obsession about my weight, but food itself was proving a constant battle in my mind. I had never been able to get back to the place of happiness, peace, and being ok with my body and with food.
Was I living in denial about having healed my eating disorders? Were they really gone? Or was it just another level to deal with?
I’ve found that on a healing journey of anything it comes in waves and levels. You think it’s done and bam, out of nowhere it comes back down the road. I’ve learned to not be bothered or upset when something rears its head again. It’s about being a failure. It’s about “here again” which simply means there’s more to learn, grow through, or heal.
Sitting with the trees is my place, my space, my groove. It’s where I can instantly get answers that I seek. I had been having some negative body talk, battling with “good and bad foods” and confused a lot over what I should and should not be eating.
“There’s poison inside of you” whispered the inner knower inside of me – you know, your internal voice, your gut feeling, your soul voice. And I knew there was something far deeper than I had dealt with about food obsession, restriction, body image, fear that I had not gotten to just yet.
As I heard those words I knew I had to go deep. And going deep is always painful. It requires a surrender, a letting go, a guidance, almost feverishly fuelled by a desperation to get to the truth.
But in that spiral where nothing else matters and nothing makes sense, the deepest search for that thing that’s calling to be seen, honoured, acknowledged and healed there is immense pain as the expiration of the darkness always leads to places we don’t want to go.
Our behaviours are symptoms of the problem, not the problem itself. Our behaviours, actions, reactions occur because of something or really, lots of things. We don’t form beliefs typically from just one experience, unless it was really bad but we do form beliefs consistently over time with many experiences… and going back through those experiences can be painful.
In order to let go of what no longer serves you, you have to find out what made you create that belief, what you’re storing in there. Clearing yourself, sitting in nature, clearing yourself through movement, opening yourself, creating space will let you hear the inner voice that will lead you to, and eventually through, those experiences.
As I returned home to write I found myself uncovering all sorts of things – moments in time, impacts, things said, things learned, conflict, abuse until I went back to 8 years old – my first diet.
I had made food the enemy. I made my body the enemy. I formed a belief about it that it was bad, that I needed to control it or I would be fat and no one liked fat people. At 8 years old. I decided that I had to be thin, I had to fit, I had to small and I saw food as the enemy to that.
It was still there, still leaking out into my consciousness, still showing up in my life, still holding me back. But I was determined to be rid of it, once and for all. As I took myself through a shamanic journeying experience of cleaning out the wound, removing the poisonous belief, once and for all.
And it was gone.
Food became exciting for the first time in my life. I allowed myself to eat things I hadn’t eaten in my life. I could enjoy a glass of wine without thinking of the calories. I eat balanced meals, I stop when I’m full, I make good food choices most of the time but when I enjoy and splurge and indulge, I don’t feel guilty. Like, ever.
And here’s the funniest part – I am losing weight without trying and without dieting – why? Because our beliefs drive our choices and our choices give us the actions we take. What we think is only a very small part of mindset – our beliefs determine everything that happens.
If you believe the food you’re eating is poison then it’s going to cause problems, weight gain, even when it shouldn’t. Have you ever struggled with weight loss and even when you did everything “right” couldn’t lose the weight? Me too. So needless to say I was a little shocked to notice that without trying and not counting one thing, every time I put clothes on they were looser.
I was happier.
And I no longer carried this exhausting belief that food was the cause of my problems. Freedom was finally mine.
The poison was gone.
And that’s how it is with this deep wild woman work – it’s allowing ourselves to give ourselves over to cutting the cords, digging up and weeding the garden, plucking out the roots – to get to the poisonous stuff that’s inside of us that’s holding us back – whether it’s beliefs about ourselves, money, food, relationships, etc.
If you have a poisonous belief, it’s ruining your life. It shows up in all aspects of your life and prevents you from living the life you want to live, it holds us back, chains you on, cages you in a way that suffocates you, steals your power, the very thing that allows you to live fully.
Lean in. Find what’s holding you back. These things run deep but I promise you that when you find it, when you cut those cords, when you clear out the poison, the very thing that’s caused you so much pain, will be gone, as though it never existed and you’ll experience life the way you always dreamed it would be.
Don’t half live.
Cut the cords of what weighs you down.