Like a flower pushing up from the earth, that’s the best way I can describe the darkest moments before the light. I don’t know what it feels like for a flower, but I know what it feels like to allow myself the pain of being where I am and breaking through to feeling light, open, empowered.
For most of my life I shut down, looked away from and disconnected from anything that I didn’t want to deal with. And for a long time it worked. It worked in the only way I knew how to cope. But it didn’t work for quality of life or getting to live the life I secretly dreamed about but pretended I didn’t want!
When I had my breaking open moment a few years ago I was called to a new way of living, a new way of exploring, healing, loving and releasing old patterns that no longer served me.
I had spent so much of my time pretending I didn’t want the very things I did want, pretending to be some hard, don’t give a fuck version of myself, armoured up and fighting what I could have had if I had only said I wanted it.
Shame. Fear. Rejection. Jaded. All of the reasons that I wouldn’t ask for what I wanted. And none of them valid other than to be what I thought would save me pain. But in reality it only caused me more because I let people treat me ways I cringe at now. I let myself be taken advantage of, walked on, treated poorly. Speaking up for myself didn’t go with the image of not giving a fuck that I had created.
Acting like I gave all fucks (I did) wouldn’t fit into the image I had created so I said nothing, did nothing, and internalized everything until it festered and turned into rage, hate, anger, frustration because I was being treated in the ways I said was ok to treat me.
Doesn’t really make sense to be angry about being treated the way you say it’s ok to treat you, but that’s how it works when we’re not authentic to ourselves and what we want, when we push down what we want to say, ask for, and believe in.
Starting my soul journey was the most painful, yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It gave me life again. It taught me self respect, self worth, self love. I learned to ask for what I wanted and say no to what wasn’t right. I learned that I didn’t have to be nice all the time and that it was ok to feel what I felt.
There was no more letting people walk on me, take from me or treat me poorly. I simply began walking away from what was no longer serving me. In the words of Maya Angelo, when people show you who they are, believe them.
We can all change. We can all grow. And that starts with first listening to our own soul talk. How do we do that? Creating space, feeling, processing, clearing out old gunk that is stagnant, stifling you.
Let yourself have the space to feel what you feel, to open yourself to the unbinding that is required, to let yourself to go into that darkest of places because you can’t let go of what you can’t see. You have to do a little digging, a little uprooting of what’s causing you to repeat toxic cycles and patterns and habits and behaviours that ultimately hold you back from your highest potential.
With each dive into the darkness you’ll find parts of yourself you lost in all of those things that had happened to made you dull yourself. It’s like putting yourself back together, like a puzzle, with each piece making more and more sense of who you are, why you did and didn’t do all those things… and as the puzzle is pieced together, you emerge, not the black butterfly that you’ve pretended to be, but the most beautiful version of yourself that is as your soul takes it’s rightful place in your body, shining out into the world, the things that only you can bring to it.
That’s exactly what I did. Each time I was faced with something I let myself grow through it, dive deep, find, understand, release, create anew. It was in those darkest moments that led to the light moments where I reclaimed the parts of myself that I had once pushed away, pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
And finally, I was me. When I looked into my own eyes, I saw me. I felt like me. I wasn’t hiding. I wasn’t pretending, looking over my shoulder or assessing the situations to see if someone liked me or gauging feedback.
I felt freedom. For the first time in my life. I was free to be me. Who liked it, liked it. Who didn’t, didn’t matter.
I stopped playing nice and started playing wild.
Like an arrow, we get pulled back to move forward.
What holds you back from where you want to be must be faced – whether it’s beliefs or experiences – in order to move to the next level of your life. The next level will require you to have traits, beliefs, qualities, personality that is needed at this level.
To get those, you must let yourself fall into the abyss to reclaim any parts of yourself that you lost. And it will be painful. It will be all consuming. You will want it to end but until the cycle and the lessons are complete it can’t be moved, it can’t be over.
And if you don’t do that work, the cycles will keep showing up, because you won’t know why you’re “here again” in that familiar place of the same old problems until you find out why you’re doing that in the first place.
And suddenly, like flower breaking through the soil, it will be gone. The pain, emotions, turmoil will be nothing but a memory and all that will be in it’s place is beauty, freedom, peace. And you’ll connect the dots and see the pain was leading you here, to a new place with new qualities and new beliefs that will help you live an authentic and charged, passionate and free life.
The life you’ve always wanted is right in front of you. You just have to find the courage to leap into this work, to know that darkness is your friend, your place of unravelling, unbinding, unchaining – it might feel like you’re torn apart, and you are, sort of, but it suddenly you will be like the flower, pushed up through the earth.