Something happens. You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, someone says something you don’t like, someone looks at you the “wrong way”, your coffee is wrong, traffic is intense…
I’ve been there. When the outside world is causing you to react in a negative way. If everyone would just do what you want it would be all good, right?
Have you ever stopped to think about what’s really triggering you? What’s really behind your reactions? Why do you react so strongly to things that in the scheme of things aren’t really important?
Will it matter tomorrow? How much is it robbing your happiness? What are you getting from this reaction and how does it really make you feel to attack, lash out, be smug, hurtful, down putting to someone?
Yesterday, while I was walking through the mall I heard a woman berating her husband. “I TOLD YOU. I need to go to _____. URGGGH.” Now, I caught the tail end of this. And let me tell you, it didn’t sound nice. I realize I’m getting a tiny glimpse of a long standing relationship, likely long standing frustrations, unspoken truths, buried frustrations, etc.
But it got me thinking about what I really do for people… I help people figure out their reactions to stuff. Our reactions and behaviours are the surface stuff that shows up to deeper issues, underlying stuff, buried things…
Reactions instead of responses show we’re being triggered by something.
So what is it? What’s causing your negative reactions? I speak from experience. 5 years ago when anything little thing went wrong I lost it. Traffic too slow, coffee too hot, too cold, not right, someone saying the wrong thing to me… everything was explosive. And everything put into a bad mood and combative state.
When I started dealing with my reactions and allowing myself to deal with the underlying emotions of what was really going on, I found myself surfaced to feel trapped, caged, silenced.
I felt pressure, all the time. And the littlest of things caused serious reactions. My behaviour was shitty, to other people, to myself. It wasn’t intentional and I never felt good when I overreacted.
I began to notice that my constant silencing myself, my inability to speak up, my constant feelings of being wrong, doing wrong, not being good enough, negative thinking, awfulizing, replaying scenarios, seeing what is wrong in my life, focusing on what and who wasn’t there, what was going wrong – was all causing me to feel constant overwhelm and causing me react poorly to everything.
My behaviour (reactions) were shitty. I couldn’t communicate in a way that was nice, kind, compassionate, understand because I was too frustrated all the time. And that frustration had nothing to do with the situation at hand.
As I started unpacking stuff I noticed that there was a lot of pain, a lot of experiences, a lot of perception, beliefs that were causing me to be that way. Well, not dealing with those things was causing me to be that way.
See, I’ve always been sensitive. I’ve always been hurt easily. To stop myself from feeling hurt, I would shut down, attitude came out in front, prickles, irritation and annoyance showed up.
From there, it didn’t much to cause a boom.
And I see it everyday in my interactions with people. From responses to my emails and Facebook messages, to paying for things in stores, to asking a question to a coworker, or family member or friend – REACTIONS create barriers.
We can feel people’s moods and energy. Body language, language and tone tell us a lot. In fact, most of our communication is non verbal. We learn to behave in a way that people’s energy field tells us to behave…
Back off. Leave me alone. I’m angry. It’s your fault.
And our verbal communication when we’re in this place can be abrasive, rude, punishing to people. And if we’re really honest, it’s barriers we’re trying to create.
But it’s shitty behaviour. When we go through the world taking our unprocessed and undealt with stuff on other people who did nothing wrong and aren’t part of your stuff, is shitty. It leaves them feeling shitty and leaves you feeling even worse… creating this figure 8 cycle of negative thinking causing you to react, then feeling bad about yourself and going into a low vibe space, then getting angry again, to get out of the low vibe space.
It creates a vicious cycle that is nearly impossible to overcome without interrupting the pattern. We have blind spots. We can’t see what it’s really about until we learn to delve deeper into our behaviours.
Because in the moment of rage, anger, reactions there is an emotional pattern that can be interrupted, uncovered if you will allow yourself to go through the process. But like all patterns and habits, we can only do that if you’re willing to see that there’s a problem that is causing you pain in your life.
The woman and man in the mall made me sad, because the tone of both of their voices made me aware of what their relationship was like – a bully and the bullied. He was apologetic and clearly ashamed as he side eyed to see who was hearing it.
I felt the frustration of the woman. She was angry, frustrated and annoyed and had no problem showing it in a way that wasn’t healthy. There is a way for us to address things and work through things. But reacting and putting someone down isn’t the way to do it.
To continue with this example, we can deduce a lot of what’s happening – there is likely undealt with issues in the relationships – the past isn’t cleared and he feels he deserves it because he’s been conditioned to believe that – maybe he made a mistake and she’s never forgiven him. Or maybe they brought this with them from their past – she was angry and bullying her whole life and he was bullied his entire life so this all feels comfortable.
We create and find what makes us feel “home”. We recreate situations and relationships over and over until we learn the lessons.
Which is why so many people leave jobs and relationships and towns but find yourself in the exact same situation.
It’s not the outside that’s creating that. It’s the inside – it’s what’s going on with you that isn’t dealt with that’s causing you create the same situations externally, over and over again.
So think about this… your behaviour. Your reactions. Do you like them? Do you like you react, take things personally, speak to people? Do you give people a break? Do you think people are doing their best? Do you think that it’s about you or not about you?
Do you work intentionally to “let people know?” or “put them in their place” or “lash out”. Do you get a lot of leverage when something goes wrong – who did or said what? Do you hang onto everything, hold grudges, give constant air to what someone did or said?
I ask and say this not from judgement, but a place of helping you realize that you reactions and behaviours are the key to what’s really going on and the key to you living a peaceful and happy life…I was that person. I stored everything and everything bothered me.
And when anything happened, it hit all of those things that I held onto, stored, and wouldn’t let go of as some twisted way to protected myself from being hurt.
If I can give you one piece of advice in this life it would be to deal with it. Deal with your issues, deal with your shitty behaviour, deal with your reactions because you’re only ruining your own life.
When I allowed myself to get into it… to dig deep… to release all that stuff I held onto and worked to interrupt those patterns and with that my life took on a new direction and only then did I realize how much I was missing out on.
Life isn’t meant to be suffering, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed.
Do the work, look at your own behaviours and do the deep work to shift them. Because that’s where your life has the ability to be changed, redirected and lived to the fullest.
PS… if you want or need some help with this stuff book a discovery call with and let’s talk about how we can work together ->Schedule Appointment