Poisoned Heart

As I faced the jaguar and he lunged at me, I felt no fear, his eyes piecing mine as his teeth plunged into my heart, ripping the cage open, tearing off the chains, and ripping my heart to shreds.

I watched as he tore it out of my chest, feeling the immense pain.  Not of the attack but of the poison as it seeped out – moment after moment, experience after experience, hurt after hurt, perception after perception… brought to the surface.  I watched them and millions of ones I couldn’t consciously remember as the jaguar tore it to pieces.

I felt my pain, pain I had stored and never looked at again.  I felt other women’s pain, pain they had stored and never processed.  I felt my mothers pain, my grandmothers pain and generations of pain stored in my heart as the teachings, the warnings, the admonishments all tumbled out of my shredded heart.

When he finished, Jaguar approached, this time carrying a golden heart, a fresh heart, a new heart.  As he held it up to my hallow chest and placed it inside, he told me that my old heart had too much pain, too much trauma, too much damage… and it was time for a new heart, with new beliefs, new experiences.

My journey, the lessons I had been learning, the deep work I had been doing, this phase was over and integrated.  And it was time for me to keep an open heart, to not let this one become poisoned by a hardened world… to not let what other people showed me, said to me, said about me, rejected me, showed up or didn’t show up… bother me.

It was not about me.  It was my hardest lesson, the thing that shuts me down, makes me pull away, hide, chain myself up, cage myself… how much I let the outside world tell me who to be.  How much I changed, became, bent, blended, gave in, gave up to fit.

And when I couldn’t.  Or I felt rejected.  Not enough.  Hurt. Disappointed. Then I would shut it down. And it would turn to anger.  Rage. Frustration.  Annoyance.

And it poisoned me.  Against people.  Against the world.  Against myself.

And while I had valid reasons, the world had shown me hardships, I was only ruining my own life and ultimately not able to show up in my highest potential of who I was and what I was here to do.

As jaguar ripped my heart out and gave me a new one, he left me with the message to “let my heart beat wild.” Hurt, disappointment, being let down are all a part of life. I can let them harden me or I can let them break me open, deeper and deeper each time.

I can stand in my vulnerability or I can hide.  I can let myself feel it and heal it and move on or I can hold onto it like a knife by the blade.  Resentment and rage tumbling into righteousness.  But who wins?  No one.  It’s not a competition.  You might take yourself off the table, get off your path, protect yourself from being hurt by others… but as I learned, the hurt others inflicted was minor compared to the hurt I inflicted 1000x over – replaying and repeating, hiding, conditioning, self hating, self pitying like a fucking martyr.

As jaguar placed the glowing heart inside my chest, he reminded me to process, to play, to let go, to forgive, to heal, to take care of this one.  As he turned to go, I awoke from the deep journey I had been on.

I don’t meditate often.  I journey.  I travel.  I experience.  I dive deep.  I meet guides.  I am not looking for silence or a gap.  I am seeking wisdom.  I am seeking guidance.  I am seeking answers.

I struggled with meditating for years, trying to silence myself, looking for the gap, trying to find the space of bliss and peace.  Only to find myself more stressed out from failing at meditating than I had before I tried.  When I found journeying, I found home, I found peace, I found wisdom, I found the wild, I found sacredness, I found myself…

I found journeying the easiest thing.  I could just slip away.  Into another realm.  No gap.  No silence. But so much wisdom and spontaneous healing in my journeys that it’s my go to experience.  I hand heart meditate.  I breathe.  I sync. I connect.  But my vibe is the deepest of dives, the wisdom, the ancient teachings, the inner wisdom, the soul connection that I get from journeys.

As I woke up fully I felt different, changed somehow.  Even though my experience was “lucid dreaming” I felt in my heart I had let go, I had released so much toxic experiences that were poisoning me, in ways I didn’t know, experiences I didn’t consciously remember but were stored in my heart – preventing me from living, holding onto pain so I’d protect myself, remembering so I wouldn’t let it happen again.

That’s what we do, as humans.  Somehow we convince ourselves that we don’t ever want to experience that pain again.  So we close ourselves.  We hide, hold ourselves back.  We protect ourselves, one foot in one foot out.  We never let ourselves sink, into the pain we feel.

When that pain is our deepest emotions.  Instead we place it in a box and pretend it didn’t bother us.  But it shows up in binge eating, starvation, addictions – sex, tv, drugs, alcohol, shopping, checking out… you name it.  Our behaviours are linked to the pain we’re holding onto and pretending we don’t have.

The way through is to let yourself feel it.  To open up that box, to take your own journey, to let yourself experience what you’re holding onto that’s in your way, that’s poisoning you and holding you back from truly living your life.

Until you open it up, you don’t really know what’s in there.  I was shocked at some of the things I had no idea that were stored in there, preventing me from trusting, following my instincts, knowing myself, being myself and showing up for my life.

What’s stored attaches to other things, until you have a spiders web of unrelated things that make sense on some deep level to keep you safe, buried so deep you no longer know what it is, but your reactions to keep it buried, very much alive in your every day life.

This work is for those who are ready, to dive into the abyss of the darkness, who are ready to clear, declutter your soul, until there is nothing left but the truth.  The soul loves the truth.

This work is for wild women who have been constrained, over domesticated for too long, who are crying to passion, love, intensity, something … soul shattering… feeling… more… something you can’t explain but you can feel the craving of… the tiredness of the shame, the blame, the rage, the hate, the revenge, the shadows… it’s for women who are ready to face their darkness, to walk into the dark night of the soul because you know, you know, you feel it calling it to you… that life wasn’t meant to be like this… conditioned and pleasing, drop to your knees, pretending…

It’s meant to be felt, to be lived, to be passionate, to share, to receive, to give… it’s meant for boundaries, for freedom, for instinct and truth, it’s meant for faith and trust and wildness… it’s meant for earth shattering, soul shattering, deep emotional dives… it’s meant for extraordinary and magic and believing… it’s meant for outside the lines, it’s meant for connection and friendship and soul sisters and fires and burning it all the fuck down.

This work is for the wild women, the witches, the holy bitches, the goddess, the undomesticated ones, the boxed in, caged in, rebels, boat burners, freedom seekers, change makers, light keepers and wisdom seekers who cannot be held down one more minute…

This work is for those women who are fed up with the status quo and keeping the peace and who are ready to pick up your sword and be your own fucking hero.  It’s for women who are bleeding for the generations before us and the conditioned ones with us… for we   too know the deep wounds of the chains that bind…

It’s for our daughters, the future, it’s for women everywhere, before and after us. It’s for you, me, she.  It’s for rising and rising and rising.  It’s for reclaiming your wild soul and living life on your own terms…

Wild and free.

Release your poisoned heart by diving deep, wild one, you’re here for a reason.  The universe is aligning you, showing you the answers to your prayers… dive, deep, into the darkest waters of your soul, cry your lifetime of tears, find your broken bits and reclaim the parts of you that was lost in all of those poisonous arrows you held in your heart… release them and you from your suffering, your conditioning, your fear…

Rise.  And as you do, take the whole fucking world with you.  Because you’re powerful beyond measure.  And when you step into your wildness… you’ll remember who you are and as you reclaim your wild soul, life will regain it’s spark, it’s magic, it’s intensity, it’s power, and passion…

Rise, wild one, rise.

Tonya
PS… if I can help you on your journey home to your own wild soul, book a discovery call with me to see how we can work together -> Schedule Appointment

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Poisoned Heart

  1. drrobinrise says:

    Thank you for this. So timely. In a time of deep despair about the world I’m leaving for my daughters and feeling powerless. I’ll grieve and rage a bit, but then I’ll take that new heart.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s