Collision

I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. Sometimes while my inner sight is deep and on point my external sight is hardly functioning. I swear to god somedays…

I should have seen it coming, but it blindsided me, how much I still sought approval and permission from those around me, always wanting someone else to tell me to go for it, to do it, that they believed in me.

Let me take you on a journey for a moment.

Summer 2016 and I pivoted, hard, from what I knew – TW Fitness. I had spent 10 years building that business but it was time to let go.  So I let go and free fell into the abyss that radical change demands.

Business peaked. I was pulled in a million directions.  Everyone seemed to want a piece of me and I was excited that I gave it.

I had done so much work on myself and was “ready for this” I thought. And I was ready.  I just didn’t realize that some of the biggest growth was yet to come. Over that first year things were wild and intense, freeing and life changing and earth shattering at the same time.

I should have the seen that I was on a collision course with destiny but I didn’t, until I stand at the end of it and realize what had happened.

Steve Jobs said “you can connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking back”. As I look back over that landscape I realize how little credit I gave myself for the accomplishments I had made.  Less than a year into a new venture, I was leading international retreats, writing for major publications, and had started on writing my first book, was coaching dozens, hundreds of clients…

But…

I was measuring myself, constantly. I wasn’t charging enough, I was over giving until I was exhausted, I felt like the crab in the bucket, being pulled back down, after I had worked so hard to make my escape.

There were holes in my foundation.

And instead of working through my processes that I had been using, I went outside of me, seeking advice.  And I was knocked off my axis.  I was dealt a devastating blow by someone I trusted.  And it left me reeling.

It was painful.

And I didn’t understand it fully at the time.  I believed in what I was doing, believed in it being my path, I couldn’t understand anything else that I would do, and I didn’t understand a friend telling me to pack it in.

I knew, even as it was happening, that it wasn’t true.  That the problem wasn’t what I should or shouldn’t be doing.  I knew the problem was that I believed her.

She might have planted the seed but I watered. Les Brown says “if there is no enemy within the enemy outside can do us no harm”.  I had holes in my foundation.  I wasn’t as confident, faithful, doubt free as I wanted to be.

I was still filtering through what other people thought, what other people said I could or couldn’t do.  I let other people’s opinions, beliefs and fears dictate my life and the direction of my life.

I got off my path.  I gave up my seat on the bus. Over and over again in my life.  Why?

Doubt? Not really, I knew who I was and that this was where I was meant to be?  Support?  Not really.  Life has a way of teaching you lessons about expecting support and I had plenty of those wracked up.

Belief?  I believed in what I was doing.  I saw the power of it time and time again.  But did I believe I was capable?  I don’t know. Was it value?  I didn’t seem to be able to see myself in a good or positive light for long.  I liked to list all the ways I fucked up in my head.

Or was it fear? Fear that I made a wrong move?  What if it was all of those things because I was scared, scared to make a mistake, scared that it wouldn’t work, scared that I couldn’t do it, scared that I would never amount to anything.

It’s all so cloudy once you’ve broken through.  My cousin once said to me before she was “woke” – that she doesn’t know how she was living.  And I feel it’s a perfect analogy for this journey.  Confusion is a sign a breakthrough is coming.  So if you look back and wonder what the eff you were thinking, you’re on the right path, don’t panic.

I am not exactly sure why it impacted me so much but I can say without a doubt that it was exactly the blow I needed to right myself.  I had holes in the foundation of my life, holes in my faith, in believing in myself, holes in being “all in”, holes in doubt.

And I suppose it’s normal when you’re living a great big dream that has you to out to sea without a boat most days.  But what I’ve learned from this journey is that life truly is lived outside your comfort zone.  Getting uncomfortable is a key to everything, but getting uncomfortable will also challenge everything you know about yourself.

Doubt and fear will magnify.  Faith will be tested. And the desire to run screaming in the opposite direction of your dreams will be intense.  Fear, I found, was crippling.  Physically, emotionally and mentally as I faced new levels of doubt, deeper levels of trauma healing.

The darkness is always my best teacher.  And through the hurt, the doubt, the fear I had to go inside myself in deeper ways than I had ever gone to plug the holes in the foundation of myself, holes that had been drilled as a child – with a constant and never ending obsession with my looks, body and weight…

Holes that had been drilled when I lost a part of my soul to my abuse. Holes that had been drilled when I was stabbed in the back by friends.  Holes that had been drilled when I had been cheated on. Holes that had been drilled when I hurt people.  Holes that had been drilled each time I listened to someone else over my own heart.  Each time I gave up, each time I hid, each brick of each wall I built… and each time I held myself back.

So many holes still in my boat. And a lot of people drilling them and not so many people filling them in.

The collision was brutal.  It was hard.  But it was necessary in order for me to see just how much I still sought approval and permission and how much I listened, or feared, what others said over my own knowing and my own heart and soul.

It took me into the depths of my pain and through releasing that pain and standing in the uncomfortableness, the knees knocking, the overwhelming fear, the gut wrenching, the wanting to throw up fear… I found another level of my soul that I hadn’t had access to.

I felt the glass ceiling and walls still surrounding me, still caging me in, other people’s idea’s, other people’s beliefs limiting me and holding me back.  It wasn’t their fault they had their fears… it was my responsibility to not make them my own.

As I looked back over the experience I realized it wasn’t a derailment at all, it was an alignment, a plugging the holes still in the foundation of my life. Because if we’re going to be impacted by what other people say to us, if we are always getting off our path because someone else tells us to, we can’t get where we want to go.

The collision is a necessary part of the journey… when everything is going great we can’t grow.  We grow when we are challenged.  Challenges force us to run and hide or face and rise.

Facing and rising means dealing with what’s in the way of you being you, of you being able to stand in your greatness and move in the direction of your dreams.

We have no idea what will unfold for us when we begin to look into the box that we conveniently shove everything that we don’t want to deal with.  If we’re lucky, though, someone or something in our lives will force us to go into the box and find what we lost.

And when you rise from the collision, you will stand, more firmly in your power, your knowing, stronger in the roots with a foundation that can withstand any storm.

Let yourself collide.  It will hurt.  But it will bring you places you could only dream of when you let go of what weighs you down.

 

Stay Wild,

Tonya

 

 

 

 

 

 

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