I stood in the woods staring at the chopped up tree. My tree. Someone had left behind nothing but it’s stump and branches.
It was old, ancient and filled with messages from those who knew how to listen.
As I stood on the stump of the tree I had leaned against just days before I looked out over the graveyard of branches. I had been asking myself the deeper questions of my purpose, my meaning, my life over those last few days… even when we “know” we sometimes forget, getting caught up in the head instead of listening to the heart.
As I stood there, staring at the branches, it became suddenly clear, the tree still teaching me it’s wisdom, as it showed me my deeper purpose – my own wisdom – my own wildness – my own soul – my highest potential.
La Loba – the myth says she is the collector of the bones, the wolves, she blows life back into them. It is the same for me, except with women and it’s not a myth. I walk the earth, collecting the lifeless bodies of women – exhausted, run down, overwhelmed, overworked, under nourished women with their souls sitting outside of their bodies.
I see them everywhere, online, in the grocery story, at the gym… mindless, exhausted, wear and tired.
And I am the warrior goddess – la loba – the one who breathes life back into. I take the parts and make them whole. I takes the bones and build flesh. I watch the lifelessness leave women and their eyes change, their cheeks fill out, their hearts swell as I see their souls step back into their bodies.
To watch a women come to life is a beautiful thing, watching her remember who she is and what she’s capable of, to watch her awaken to her own wildness, her own power, her own remembering…
As she throws off the shackles of her doubt, fear, not enoughness and stands in her greatest power and potential, reclaiming her wildness and owns all of herself, it’s a sight to behold.
As I stood there, with the stump and the branches that day, the sun streaming down I knew this to be the truth.
You see, I too, walked the earth once without my soul. I forgot who I am and what I’m capable of. I met too many people who hurt me, pushed me down, belittled me, and berated me. I found too many people who reminded me that I was not enough. I met people who rubbed salt in my wounds.
Until I believed them, until I forgot, until I was so lost it took a complete breakdown and shakedown to remember who I was. I remember that day, lying in my bed thinking it would all be better if it was over. And I remember knowing I needed help. I was tired of the help the western world had given me. I didn’t need pills (see foot note on meds at the bottom before you lynch me). I needed to breathe, to live, to feel.
I didn’t need to stuff it down, or forget or pretend, I need to do more than exist. I needed to stop settling, stop laying down and being walked on. I needed to demand more for my life, I needed to remember who I was and what I was capable of.
I needed something and it wasn’t going to be found in therapy. I had done years of that and it felt like some horrible Saturday night TV movie with low rate actors. Mindless conversation until the 45 minutes was up and they say “see you next week”.
I didn’t need that. I needed more. I needed soul. I needed spark. I needed to be heard. I needed to scream. And scream I did. I scream for a year. I sobbed for months. I let my wounds bleed.
And in that bleeding, as I shook out the contents of my box of darkness, underneath all that crap, I found my own wildness, my own remembering, my own soul.
As I stood on that stump I knew my purpose intently. I felt it. I knew it. I believed it. And I accepted it. I know what it feels like. And I created a path to get out of it. And that’s all I’m here to do… to light the path… I’m not here to tell you what to do, only to show you the way back to your own wild soul.
La Loba – warrior goddess – the soul warrior.
When you’re ready to move from your head to your soul, to find your own wildness, to leave behind the bullshit the world has taught you and you’re ready to sink into the depths of your soul, to find your instincts, to remember your wild nature, I’m happy to walk the path with you.
I can’t stand the shallow end. I don’t like pretending and playing games or wearing masks. I did that most of my life. Now I swim in the deep end and help those who are ready for their own deep journey to the soul.
PS…I’m not anti medication, if you think you need them, take them, but for me, it wasn’t the right next move. You do you. For me, I was already numb, I wanted to live.