The Space Between

There is this space that no one talks about.  First it’s the space you notice between you and reality, a blip in the fabric in which you painted life.

I suppose somewhere along the way it gets easier to pretend, to dull down, to drown out… expectation hurts… disappointment hurts… realizing no one is coming for you, hurts.

Some of us didn’t grow up with the hallmark, gilmore girls, this is us version of life… some of us grew up as a side note… a foot note, really.  Seemingly hiding a world of hurt, a decade of trauma, yet no one sees… hidden behind the good girl smile, the nice girl, do anything to help you smile…

But it all becomes too much.  The feeling of being let down over and over again until you create this space, this wall, this place, like a like breathing room for yourself, so you can stop being hurt so much.

The changeling.

Soon you forget about the space.  It becomes normal.  This nothingness.  This shell.  This emptiness.  But you keep yourself so busy that you don’t feel it, except every now and then, you find yourself alone, not busy, and that space sneaks up, grabbing at your conscious mind.

It doesn’t feel good.  It feels like something empty, hallow, meaningless.  So you distract.  You move. You eat. You fuck. You smoke. You drink. All to bury that space.

Until you can’t anymore, until one day, enough stuff happens in your life that you see it, the fabric moves, tears a little and the space between you and the world is flooded with light.  And suddenly, it’s all clear, that you hid yourself, you changed, you created a persona, an act, a shell, an exterior so you could protect yourself the way no one else had even tried to protect you.

Your healing is in that space.

The brave go there.  The fed up go there.  The wild women go there. The sick of being walked on, sacred raging, divine feminine, warrior goddesses go there.  For in there is where you must find yourself.

You won’t find YOU that you buried, that you hid, and didn’t let breathe, that you starved of life and imprisoned, locked in a cage anywhere out here or there.  You won’t find it in the next diet, losing 20 or 100 lbs, you won’t find it in the next boyfriend or girlfriend, or in the next bang, you won’t find it at the bottom of a bottle or the end of a joint, you won’t find it in your phone.

You will only find it inside of you.  Inside that space.  It seems so scary, dark and fearful at first.  Hiding all your secrets and shadows and fears.  Hiding all the scars and wounds you’ve buried and didn’t cope with.  It’s dark and vacant but heavy and intense at the same time.  It’s as if it’s carrying a lifetime of pain.

And it is.

Once you step into that space, no once you see that space, become aware of that space, there is only so long you can keep it at bay… inside that space is the real you… the one calling for you is you… the wild one… the goddess… your soul… and she’s sick of being buried and burned.  She’s tired of being tired.  She’s tired of being ignored and watching from a prison of your own creation as you destroy yourself to please others, set yourself on fire to warm others and lay down like a doormat to fit in.

She’s sick of watching you beg for approval and seek validation in the places you will never get it.

And when that knock comes, she’s coming for you. When the fabric shifts, she’s stirred and once the wild woman awakens, she won’t go back without a fight. She’ll keep kicking and clawing and screaming, making you aware of her presence… fed up with the lies, the pretending, the masks, the heaviness, the nothingness, the barely existing and getting by that is life today.

She’s desperate for you, for her, to be the same person, not living in duality, in shame and guilt and fear that keeps you hiding, fitting in places you don’t belong.

That space is where you’ll find her, yourself, your greatest passion and highest potential, your deepest love and wildest of natures, your instincts and soul all commingling into the divine expression you are.

I know.

I went there.  Into that space. Into that box of darkness where I kept everything. And what I found when I unpacked it was me.  As I gave myself permission to explore, to find me, to decide anew for myself, not what someone else told me to be, not what someone else said I could or couldn’t do, say, live, believe.

As I unfolded myself, not who I would have been if all of that didn’t happen, but who I was in spite of it all, I was met with the fiercest woman I had ever known – myself.  I realized what I had survived, what I had been through, and was still standing, rough around the edges with some sharp points, soft in places, kind, powerful, bold, loving, nurturing, battle ready…

I was me.

I didn’t need to find a hero outside of me.  I had found one inside of me, who had figured out how to survive, to get by, to exist in a world that made no sense… but as I reached for her and she stepped back inside of me I realized we were both necessary, the light and the dark, the tough and the soft, the goddess and the warrior, surrendering and fighting all mixed together…

Because there is a time for all of it, wild one.

There is a time for soft and nurturing. There is a time for battle. There is a time for rage and sadness and love and peace. There is a time for it all and within each woman is a world of emotion and power blending together to create the fierceness needed to not only survive but thrive in this world.

Your wounds are not your weakness, they are your power, given to you to create you, the exact expression of you in this world. That space, it’s not your enemy, it’s your cocoon – where you’ve been growing into the woman you really are. Your emotions do not make you a crazy out of control woman, they make you real, raw and vulnerable.

The space.

That no one talks about, that you can feel, that scares you, that you run from, is the space that will save you, create you, define you, enshrine you, and bring you home to you… fully in your power, whole, confident and vibrant.

And as suddenly as it opened, the space is gone, no longer needed, as you stand in the world, as you are, no need to hide, wear a mask or pretend.  As you stand in your fierceness you know…

That it all created you to be who you are… an original… not a copy.

And you stand in the absolute power of who you are, no more hiding, no more shrinking or playing small or changing yourself to be what someone else needs you to be.

And you stand in a completely new space, seeing the world with new eyes, feeling new feelings, fully alive, wild and free.

Tonya

xoxo

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