Sharp Edges

I have edges.  

Sharp and cornered.  

I don’t mean for them to poke out. And slice someone. Well, sometimes I’m ok with it… like when you cross my boundaries hard… then you get my teeth hard… 

But it’s the times I don’t know.  The times I don’t realize.  The times I am reacting to something that I can’t see or don’t realize is causing my breathe to catch, for me to fight back…

Some days it takes all of me to stay where I am and not run, run, run until I don’t hurt anymore…

Sometimes I wish I weren’t as soft.  I wish I were harder. Because this world is. A place where your friends stab you in the back, people you helped, throw under a bus you didn’t deserve… people come after you when you shine… tear you down inch by inch until there’s nothing more than a shell… 

Gasping for air… I close the doors, pull the blinds to… put the hard exterior back out to the world… softness and vulnerability… hidden… 

But if you look closely you can see the pain simmering under the lashes, hidden deep inside… 

Wanting to know why someone you cared about or someone you helped … or someone you love… hurts us… 

And it’s in those moments that the conflict happens- in that moment I push others away, hurting them by my withdrawal – not to hurt them but to save myself… but I’m not saving myself at all – I’m hiding myself. 

Because a long time ago I decided the world was a dangerous place and I half lived – hiding parts of me that no one could see, that no one could reach… 

And when I open… heart centred, light pouring out from the cracks that nearly killed me… I am open and loving and it feels amazingly … but soon there is that thing. That person. That comes for you when you’re not looking … that person who you thought cared and loved you… that person you told too much to who uses it against you to hurt you… 

And it’s confusing … this world where we need to open and trust to live fully but that leads us to hurt and pain so often… 

The balancing act of love and pain, hurt and beauty, vulnerability and discernment… 

The sword and the rose… the right and the flight… and the surrender… 

The key always is to stay open on a world that makes us want to close.  Somewhere along th way we learned to close instead of process, we learn to vent instead of feel, we learned to complain instead of move forward… 

And we learned to build walls instead of bridges.  We didn’t learn to sit in our pain and listen to it.  We didn’t learn to open our hearts and our souls to the pain we feel. 

Instead we learn to close, to hide, to full… to feed the wrong wolf, to store it all down and feed on it until it turns tonresenemtb and bitterness and fear and loathing … 

We don’t realize that we’re not medicating ourselves were poisoning ourselves… 

It takes courage to step out of the cage… time and time again.  It takes courage to realize that all masters will repeat and rinse until they get it.  It takes willingness to fail in order to fly… 

And it takes a willingness to be open, to love, to hurt, to bleed in order to heal… to heal fully. 

And maybe healing fully is a myth.  Maybe there will always be triggers and traumas for those of us who feel too much in a world that requires full body armour just to check our social media accounts… 

Maybe healing will be lifelong when we have had too many things to list in a short life … maybe there will always be a fine dance between open and close… 

Maybe the walls will always be there and maybe we need them at times… maybe we need to go into hiding, or cocooning, and even dying a little – or a lot – to the old ways of living and doing.. 

Maybe the journey isn’t about healing at all but just under covering deeper levels of yourself. Parts you’ve forgotten, pieces that were lost. 

And maybe that’s ok.  Maybe it’s ok that I have sharp edged.  Maybe it’s ok that I can’t be too open or I get too hurt, to taken advantage of, too cut down. 

Maybe it’s ok to take as long as it takes, for the arrow to pull us back into the depths of the sewer to clean up more and more of what comes to the top as we go deeper and deeper. 

Maybe it’s really not about anything other than the journey to come home fully to you and it’s totally ok that it takes time to find those depths.  

It’s ok that not everyone understands and joy everyone needs to know.  Maybe it’s ok that some people get to have a privileged and naive journey while others have to walk through hell on fire burning in every sense of the word. 

For it’s my experience that those  who continue to walk while on fire are the strongest badass wild women I know… that behind every woman who is showing up when she has had horrific experiences but she manages to find a way to keep going, maybe it’s ok that she has ups and down, highs and lows, opens and closes…

What I’ve learned about this journey is that it’s not linear or fair or even the same for anyone. 

Each path is unique to the person living it.  And each level requires a new version of us.  To grow into that person you will be required to face things, let go, step into, burn away… 

And that’s a process wild one.  A process you’ve got to show up for. Everyday. You can stay behind the wall, anger, justified, passed off… hiding from it all… you can pretend there’s no wall and act fine but hide behind your humour, your puns, your need to pretend and never get messy… 

Or you can face It and rose. Every time… you can fade the darkness, the box, the walls… fall to your knees, surrender to the journey and come alive a little more each time as you reclaim parts of you that you lost… that you’re finding as you fade what you think you cannot. 

Fierce. Fearless. Female. 

Maybe those sharp edges aren’t something we need to apologize for. But use them to explore more of who we are.

Then as you stand up, each time, you are a little bit stronger than before, a little bit wiser than before and are on the way to the Woman you are really ❤️

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