Chasing Crumbs

I have chased crumbs my whole life. Now, that wasn’t a fun realization to land on, but it gave me that sinking feeling that only the truth gives me.

I have chased crumbs my entire life – from my friendships, relationships, and even in my business.

I have scoured the ground and the bottom for what I could pull together to merely be enough. I have held myself to insanely high standards but I’ve accepted almost nothing from those around me.

Whether it was shitty behaviour from my husband or shitty behaviour in my business, it was right there as I stared down at the pages I was writing on. Chasing crumbs won’t feed a jaguar, I thought. I am a strong, confident, powerful woman who goes after what I want, but who dulls myself, repeatedly because I’m too intimidating, I do too much… I make other people feel bad themselves.

So I have softened, understood, bowed down, lay down, hidden, silenced, never asked for it… I told myself it’s because I was afraid they wouldn’t show up for me, that there must be something wrong with me.

But as I stared down at the pen marks on my page I knew my feelings as they were being written from my soul – that it wasn’t because they wouldn’t show up for me because there was something wrong with me, in fact, it was the opposite. They might not show up because they simply couldn’t.

You can’t talk butterfly language with caterpillars. You can’t talk millionaire with minimum wage mindset. You can’t talk warrior with those who run from battle. You can’t talk greatness with those who always want to keep the status quo, who want everything to stay the same.

You can’t talk soul with those who are stuck in their head. You can’t talk standing in your power to those who are disempowered.

And you can’t bend yourself or get small enough or hold yourself back enough to make someone else happy or comfortable. You can’t hide yourself enough to make it easy for someone else. You can’t give up your dreams, your worth, your power, enough to make someone else choose you, love you, work with you.

In fact, it’s the opposite.

In a lifetime of chasing crumbs, I realized how much I have held myself back and dulled myself for what? To make someone else comfortable about not rising into their own power? To pad the blow for those who seemingly can’t handle it? To soften the edges because so many take it personally and get angry instead of leaning into their anger to find their inspiration and healing?

I have found that the more I chased crumbs, the more I looked down to collect just enough, to scrap to get by, the more I have dulled myself, silenced myself, bit my tongue, the less I have served, really served in the way I can, in the way I know how, in the way I was born to serve.

Whether that’s in my own personal life or in my business. There is a space of wanting to help people see what they can be, what they can do, create, become and there is a space of knowing when you can’t help someone.

If you get in the water with someone drowning, they will take you under too. And we live in a world where we’ve been conditioned to take responsibility for another’s journey, happiness, peace, finding of themselves. Which is bullshit.

The only person responsible for your health, wealth, happiness, peace, courage, bliss and faith is YOU. The biggest problem we have is too many people want to be right instead of want to be freed. Too many people are not teachable or coachable because they want to be offended instead of to learn how to move through what offends them.

In the chasing of crumbs, I’ve lowered my standards, I’ve let myself believe I am less worthy, not good enough, because I have seen what’s possible through another’s eyes. I’ve let myself soften too much to be accommodating. I’ve silenced myself to not be “hurtful”. But in reality all I did was dilute my message for those who cannot hear it anyway.

And I didn’t speak to those who were desperately waiting to hear it, who were ready to pick up their sword and walk the way of the warrior goddess, the wild way. I let people convince me I wanted too much, that I was never satisfied, as if that was a bad thing, because they couldn’t see my dream or see beyond their own fears.

I chased crumbs. I accepted crumbs.

As I looked at the page that I was writing on I realized how many times as a strong, confident, powerful, woman that I let myself be railroaded into the exact opposite because someone else told me I shouldn’t be too big or too much. How many times did I soften my standards because someone couldn’t perform? How many times did I hold back, how many paths to my own greatness did I miss because I shrunk inside of myself instead of expanding outward.

How many watts did I turn down my light because someone else said it was too bright?

And how many crumbs did I accept because someone else said that was all I worth?

As I looked at that paper, I realized I was writing a new story, a new dream, a purging of the old, a realization that crumbs won’t feed a warrior, that mice won’t feed a jaguar and that settling won’t satisfy me, ever.

See, I know who I am, I know who I serve, I know what I want. Conditions and life and people tell us to constantly settle, lower standards, accept less than. And it’s easy for us all to forget who we are, what we’re capable of when we’re listening to the wrong people, hanging out in the wrong circles.

Which is why it’s critical to surround yourself with people who bring out the greatness inside of you, who help you grow your warrior not tell you that it’s unbecoming or too much or to settle or silence yourself or do less because you shrinking somehow makes them feel better about what they’re not doing.

When people ask you to settle for crumbs, when people say you can’t do it, don’t believe them. Find the people, get the coaches, get the help, find the circles and communities of women who will help you rise up, who speak the same language as you.

That’s what I did and what I do every single day. I am not chasing crumbs anymore. I am not silencing myself, turning down my wattage to make someone else feel better, I am not holding back or censoring myself to soften the edges or the blow.

Because the reality is this world needs a serious dose of reality to get us out of the darkness we’re living in. We need people who will help us walk to the fire, find our own spark, to ignite within ourselves our greatest lives. We don’t need another person spewing butterflies and rainbows because the truth is, life just ain’t like that.

Life is hard. It brings us stuff we cannot begin to prepare for. It will break you if you don’t let it break you open. It will shove you down into a heap and have you give up yourself and your dreams. It will ask you to forget your hopes and dreams and humanity if you don’t know how to process it.

Not all of us were born to fit in. Some of us were born to burn it all down, to walk people to that fire, to bring in a new paradigm, to open, expand and help people find their way through the darkest of days, to build a new life, new outcome, new world for themselves and ultimately, the whole world; for each of us that has the courage to rebuild our foundations teaches others the same is possible.

I can’t do that if I chase crumbs. Neither can you.

As I laid my pen down that day, I knew in my soul that I had no choice but to chase the big dreams, go after the big stuff, not because I’m not satisfied, but because I’m not fulfilled. There’s a huge difference.

When there is a huge dream trying to come from inside you, chasing crumbs – accepting shitty friendships, bad behaviour, shitty relationships, low pay, low standards – will ever get you to that dream.

And so I decided that day I wouldn’t lower my standards again. I wouldn’t hang out with people who asked me to dull myself or settle, I would ask for what I wanted, I would myself and those in my circles to high standards.

And I would create the life I really wanted.

I mean, why not? The time will pass anyway. And I want to pass it living my life to the fullest, not settling for something because I wasn’t brave enough to go for what I wanted.

And that means hanging out, being with, working with people who feel the same.

No more chasing crumbs and a whole lot more chasing dreams.

Stay Wild,

Tonya

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