Sinking Ships & Floatation Devices

When the ship is going down and it’s time to clear the decks the floatation devices are deployed. They aren’t always deployed, following the ship around. And when they are deployed and used, they are away upon rescue.

Imagine if the floatation devices were following you around all the time, how would that make you feel? Would it make you feel safe? Maybe a little because you’re very aware that they’re there to catch you if something goes wrong.

But in reality, you’d always know they were there, and be unable to rest and relax, knowing you might have to jump ship at anytime, always checking on the little rescue boats to know where they are, you would be always aware of them.

How can you enjoy your cruise when you’re constantly checking on the floatation devices?

You can’t.

Now, let’s just say that you did have to use them. An emergency happened and you had to deploy into a rescue boat, you wouldn’t hang around there for too long would you? No, you’d get out of there. You wouldn’t sit and watch the destruction or stay in the wreckage of what just happened.

Yet, we do that in lives all the time. Well, I do. I’ve done it so many times I can’t count. I’ve set out to do something, brave as fuck on the surface. But if you look closely there are flotillas of rescue boats behind me. I have avenues set up everywhere, escape routes better than a mastermind jail break op.

Not kidding.

I have too many pots on the stove, all burners being used, I have rescue ships in place; I know where each one is located. It’s easy to look brave on the surface while having back up plans.

My mentor, whom I’m certified under, Tony Robbins, says “if you want to take the island you’ve got to burn the boats”. But I didn’t burn the boats. I actually anchored them offshore, just out of sight of everyone else but in reality I have direct lines to them, like zip lines.

It’s become clear to me how much I have used them. I said I would burn them. I said I wouldn’t use them. I said I’d cut off access to them. But I didn’t. That means I haven’t been living my own values. I was letting my fear dictate and lead instead of my faith.

I have seen my potential and possibilities through other people’s fear, which became my own. Instead of believing I was doubting. Instead of staying the course I was leaping rescue boats like someone hopping ice pans.

With every stall, low fuel sign or delay I’d bounce to floatation device, in my literal case, a part time gig, a fitness based program, or something else that would distract me from the fear of the big thing I love so much not working out or feeing the fear while waiting for it to come…

But the reality is, nothing can work when we don’t give it time, focus, energy and attention. I know this. I know this. But knowing it in your head and truly getting in your heart are very different things.

Until we get it in our heart we will be triggered by those unhealed wounds, fears, dramas and traumas that we haven’t healed. How many times have I been brave enough to start but not brave enough to stay?

My soul is a wild one, a free spirit, I cannot live in a contained world so I leap but my trauma and conditioning left me too scared to trust anyone, even the universe, to take care of me. I couldn’t let anyone take care of it.

I had all the pots, not to be everything to everyone else but to be everything to myself.

Relying on others, allowing people in, letting people see me when I’m scared, down, admitting defeat, letting go are all hard for me. I know my power is in my vulnerability but it doesn’t change the fact that it often feels like I’m alone, that it’s hard to express and share those fears, even when you know it’s necessary. It’s easier to rely on yourself, to set up decoys and rescue boats to which you can escape.

How many ships did I watch burn from the sidelines? How many lifeboats did I sit in long after I should have left?

And worse, yet, is how many things did I cause to crash because I couldn’t stay? How many times, people, places, opportunities, events did I destroy because I couldn’t hold on in the storm, that my soul wanted me to say fuck yes and lean into the wind, but my fear said fuck no and leapt for safety in the familiar.

I’ve found myself back at tables, with people, in jobs because of this reactionary trauma trigger – run.

I’m a runner. And a freezer. I run away but I don’t get far. I stay at the scene trying to glue it back together long after it’s destroyed or I leap too soon. There is no rhyme or reason at times to it, except it makes sense to meet my needs from a neuropathic way.

Because we will violate our values to meet our needs. My needs for security and to feel in control of my own life was far greater than the needs and values of my soul. Not right or wrong, just is.

Brave enough to start because my soul calls for freedom, for it’s purpose, for it’s bigness that it came here for, but not brave enough to leave things behind long after they are dead for fear of making a mistake, for fear of the new thing not working out, for fear of crashing and burning, for fear of being out of control.

But it’s all really just an illusion of control because it’s really out of control, it’s really not freedom it’s containment, it’s glass walls and ceilings to appear as if there is nothing there but it’s like a dog on a leash, who learned to leave 2mm slack so it doesn’t choke.

The exits, the life rafts, the too many pots are just an illusion of freedom and choice when they are really conditions of fear. And we can’t play that game with the universe and win. For she knows the truth, you can’t fool her with words for she reads feelings and vibrations. She knows the truth of chaining our wildness and caging our soul or letting it run free and wild.

Somewhere along the way I got scared. I let other people’s words, fears, doubts become my own. They planted seeds and I watered them and grew a garden of doubt.

It became increasingly clear as I noticed I was spread too thin, not deep enough, couldn’t breathe kind of feelings, hitting edges and glass walls and ceilings, that I was not in fact where I was telling myself I was…

“Here” waiting…

I wasn’t waiting… I was buried. I was hiding. I was holding on and holding back and holding myself down with too much stuff in my space. And listen to me, the universe can’t bring it if there’s no room. Whether it’s money, relationships, health – if you haven’t made space for it you’re not going to get it.

The universe isn’t playing games with this. Its not like, oh don’t take chances, don’t make space, don’t take risk, I’ll just bring you everything you want in a pretty box wrapped in a bow while you stay comfortable.

It’s not how it works… it works by you getting out into the ocean, working through the shit that you’ve been through, sitting in the ocean, even if its in life rafts for a while, it requires risk, faith, belief in yourself and your purpose, your passion, your mission.

So even though I feel at times like I was hopping ice pans, I know I was also far out into the ocean doing it. I am brave. I have taken risks. I’ve gone 99% of the way. And shrinking back by 1% to feel some sense of false security is the madness. The madness isn’t going all the way, the madness is only going 99% of the way and getting scared with that last 1%.

The madness is in stopping 3 feet before the gold. The madness is having too many pots on the stove while telling yourself you’re cooking a gourmet meal. That’s madness. Yet, it feels normal in a world where we are taught to have back up plans, to have safety nets, to lean out, to get scared and run, to not take risks.

We’re in a society of pension over passion and when you look around and you’re the only person you know who is so far out in the ocean you haven’t seen shore for 10 years and everyone around you is scared for you, it’s easy to start getting scared, it’s easy to let the doubt in, it’s easy to let your own fear commingle with theirs.

But you know why ships sink?

Because of the water that gets in them, not the water around them.

And every single time in my life I have been scared, backed up, jumped in the life boat, it was because I was letting water in my boat. It wasn’t even my own beliefs that scared me. Because in the quiet, that’s when the soul comes through. And my soul knows my purpose and what’s possible.

It’s not in those moments that I jump ship, it’s in the moments of too much noise, too much fear, old conditioning, listening to other people, too busy, believing the external world when they can’t see your dream and don’t feel your calling.

Which is why it’s critical to look at who’s in your boat with you, who’s in the boats surrounding you, who got your back when your boat starts taking on water, who is drilling holes and who is happy you’re sinking and who’s even happier when you come back to shore and tie up at the dock.

It might not be intentional, but let me tell you that I’ve learned on this journey that there is no room in a great big life, in a soul filled life, in a service filled life, in a wild soul life for anything that doesn’t support your way forward.

For the cost is too high to your soul that you will pay for the delays, for the hesitation, for the 1%. Because you don’t know what that 1% costs you. I know it’s cost me more than I want to know. I know it’s cost me years, people, opportunities I can’t get back, character and reputation, values at times and living out of alignment, my health.

But it also led me to where I needed to be… where I could see. No part of the journey is ever wasted because we end up where we’re going, whether we take the detour or the fast track and often we learn far more when we take the side roads and detours.

For me, there was a lot of fear I had to overcome to be ready to go where I know I am going. I had a lot of holes in the foundations in which my life had been built upon. Those holes are plugged. The foundations are laid and I’m ready.

I had to jump ship a lot just to see how much I was jumping ship so I could get to the root of my conditioning, trauma and fear so I could stop doing it.

And that’s what this is all really about.

We have reasons for everything we do. We will violate our values to meet our needs. We will repeat patterns and behaviours and habits until we learn and stop doing it by choosing new behaviours.

So now it’s my time to cut the cords, to pack up the life boats, to turn off the burners and the back burners and to step all the fucking way in.

Take one step towards the gods and they will take 10 to you. Lean into the universe and she will lean back. Believe and it will come to you. Set the stage, swim confidently in the ocean and you will build strength. Know that your life boats are there, who you are and what you’re capable of, if you need them, but that you don’t need to tow them with you every day.

The world can’t see you if you don’t show up. The universe can’t give it to you if you don’t create space for it. Nothing can change if you don’t do the inner work.

So wild one, we’re all just human. We’re all just learning and growing and unravelling this one wild crazy life we have. I’ve decided to surrender all fear and get on with getting on with it.

What will you do?

Sink or swim?

Tonya

 

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