Why Not Me?

I’ve never spoken publicly about this or written about it until now. This was a deeply personal experience and a deep faith journey for me that lasted 3 years.

Why not me?

I wrote the words on the plane home from the latest Tony Robbins event I had attended. My 5th event in just a few years as I was training and finishing my certifications under him and Chloe Madanes as well as deeply on my own healing path (I am a certified RMT life coach, strategic Interventionist and behaviour expert)…

I digress.

At the end of one of the evenings Tony was sharing a story of near death experience and how he had access to information that he was never taught that got him out of the experience. He left us with the message to think about faith in our own lives …

I couldn’t breathe. I was rushing out of the conference room. I had been doing SO WELL for over a year but I could feel a deep sob emerging from me. As I ran to my air bnb gasping sobs heaving out of my body the whole time, I planted myself on my bed when I cried relentlessly for hours, falling into a fitful sleep, waking up to sob more.

As I went to the conference room the next morning and met my team I couldn’t keep it together and was crying too hard to express how I was feeling, I couldn’t speak, no words would leave my body.

I sobbed, like that, for nearly the entire next day.

I couldn’t formulate my words because of the sobbing but I was facing the deep conflict I had been feeling with my newfound “universe” “self love” “faith” “higher power” world I had found myself in.

My inner child wanted to know if he existed then why didn’t he come for me, why did that have to happen to me, to my family, to us. Why didn’t stop it? And why did so many bad things continue to happen to me for most of my life?

So if I believed in God, then I believed he just love me and maybe I deserved everything I got. Or if I didn’t believe in God, how could I be in this world, unreservedly, in the way I needed to be in order to embody, live and teach the wild woman wisdom?

I cried for every time I sat in church and prayed. I cried for the little girl who was too scared to speak up. I cried for the child who couldn’t find her voice. I cried for the child who felt foresaken, unloved and not good enough. I cried for her belief that she wasn’t good enough. I cried for her fear that didn’t matter. I cried for the woman she had become, the innocence she lost. I cried for the decisions and choices she made in her life because she felt lost, abandoned and alone…

I cried for the woman I had become. I cried for the years I lost. I cried for the soul I had lost. I cried for the love I had given up. I cried for how much I hated myself. And I cried because I didn’t have faith. I cried because I felt I was being asked to trust, him, the universe, this new thing I was birthing into the world…

Trust.

God. Goddess.

Trust.

When they had never been there for me when I was desperately clinging to life, when I was partying so hard I almost died, when I was starving myself into invisibleness, when I was hurling myself into enoughness, relentlessness, persuit of accomplishments…

Where was GOD then?

And NOW YOU WANT ME TO TRUST YOU? I was angry. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS OF ME? How dare you?

Yet, I had been following clues, signs, faith for years now. I had taken risks. I had not died all the times I should have. I had been lucky actually. Had I in fact, been guided my whole life but didn’t know it?

As the sobbing subsided and my physical body had purged the anger, the frustration, the depth of despair I had held in my cells, my team lead hugged me and said “God wants you to know he loves you”.

I was shattered. I had not told anyone what I was processing.

I sank into a deep soul journey. I felt God wrap his arms around me and said “why not you? I’m sorry you had to go through this pain but I needed you here. Who else would you suggest I have chosen? Who else should have the abuse, neglect, the aloneness, the lostness, the tragedies no one knows about, the victimizing, the trials and tribulations, that became your life? Who do you think I should have chosen besides you? ” 

I had no answer. I realized that this was my journey. I didn’t want the story I was given. I wanted a better story, an easier story, a story that people could digest, a story I could digest, I didn’t want this one, I didn’t want to be the poster child for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want that to my story.

But I knew it was. I knew I had been given this story because somehow I was meant to do more with it, reach more people, show people what was possible… I didn’t know then but I knew there was more…

As the event came to a close over the coming days I felt different, lighter, brighter, freer. The tears I cried were cleansing and freeing. As I was on the long plane ride home, I journalled. I write but I also journal. A lot. Like excessively as writing helps me process my world.

The words flew from my pen.

Why not me? Why not me to have this story? Why not me to do something with this story? Why not me to create something amazing and write a new story, new script, new life, new outcome? Why not me to own this? Why not me to live a life of a greatness? Why not me?

If not me, who?

I used to say why me? Now I realized for the first time in my life that my story mattered, what I had to share mattered, my life mattered, that it wasn’t my imaginary amazing life story that I was trying to make perfect that mattered but it was my truth that mattered…

It was the story I was born into that mattered, it was the story that I wasn’t brave enough to speak up that mattered, it was who I became because I silenced myself that mattered, it how I lost myself that mattered, how my soul left my body that mattered, it was the shell of a woman I had become that mattered…

And it was the finding of my inner warrior, my wild woman, the work I was doing with women to help them reclaim their own wild woman and their own power that mattered.

I mattered.

Why not me to do this? Why not me to create something amazing out of one hell of a painful story? Why not me to rebirth ancient wisdom into the world? Why not me?

My journey to deep faith didn’t happen over night. In fact, it was a three journey that has been deepening every single day since that day.

I accepted my path. I thrive on my path. I have deep faith in the Goddess, in God, in blind trust of the universe… It didn’t come easy. It came with commitment, work on myself, working deeply with coaches, spiritual advisors and a deep commitment to follow the signs… to keep showing up.

As I approach the end of 2019 a lot of things in me life are ending but one thing that has finally reached the completion is my deep faith.

WHY NOT ME?

I had tattooed on my wrist today so I can see every day. So I can look down and be reminded in the free fall moments, in the deep uncertainty, of taking massive steps into 2020 with the deepest faith I’ve ever had in my life with absolutely no proof, a letting go, a relinquishing  of control like I’ve never felt, that I am in fact guided, connected, protected …

Why not me?

So I’m going for it. All of it.

Because, why not me? 

 

Stay wild,

Tonya

XOXO

PS… if you want help taking your own journey, reach out, I’m planning something deep and super special! Contact -> https://www.wildsoulwomen.com/contact

PPS… did you know my book is available in limited signed copies? You can get yours here -> https://www.wildsoulwomen.com/unchainedbook

 

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