I never saw myself as a risk taker while others always said I was brave. I never saw myself as leader while others pushed me forward. I never saw myself as someone good enough, while others hung on my words.
It was always a little unnerving, to speak and have people listen. Most of my life I was told I talk too much, to sit down and shut up. Actually, the first part of my life I never spoke, undeniably shy and meek and mild cajoled into speaking, leadership courses, programs, events and groups… then I was told I was too much, too loud, talked too much…
One thing I’ve learned in this life is that there will always be someone you’re trying to please when it’s not yourself. Changing who we are to adapt to our environment is conditioning. And I was conditioned, sort of. I always tried to toe the line but I also found it hard to squat myself into what I should and shouldn’t be, how I should and shouldn’t speak, what I should and should say, do, look like, live like…
Leaving the corporate world with no back up plan, no money, and hardly any support was risky, yet it felt to me that it was riskier to stay there, to sit at my desk every day, dying inside for a paycheck. It felt riskier to box myself into a corner and pretend to be happy.
It felt wrong to take the pills my doctor wanted to give me when I told her I wanted to leave my job because I was unhappy. It felt riskier to deny that I wanted something else, something more, more meaningful, more purposeful, something other than the soul less life I was living.
30 years old, walking away from a corporate job, pension, benefits, M-F, 8-5, trading my soul and my purpose and my passion for a paycheck to keep climbing a ladder I didn’t want to be on.
So I got off. I leapt, no back up plans, no savings, no income. And I went “play in the gym” as some called it. At the time it felt like the right move, it was all I wanted, to help others in a way that I couldn’t describe… I just felt pulled.
And while that business thrived initially and the hardships of entreprenuership were difficult, nothing was more difficult than facing the growth that was happening – that I didn’t feel I was really helping people the way I felt called to. Fitness was a way out, but it wasn’t my final destination.
I felt like a failure, because of our conditioning. I wondered if I was just running, couldn’t stay put, didn’t have it figured out, what would people think… I mean, I was supposed to have it mapped out and written in blood by the time I was 25 right? Here I was 35 and knowing my future was taking another turn…
I was about to take another risk, giving up all I had built.
And now, another risk, a leap of faith like never before as I embark on a new venture, a new journey, a new level. Yet I never saw myself as a risk taker, even though, clearly I am. With mountains climbed, obstacle courses ran, fitness competitions completed, walked on fire, jumped off telephone poles, slept in tents in the middle of nowhere, trekking around the world, Russian rave’s in the Czech Republic (that’s a post for another day), businesses opened, closed and transitioned, solo travel… you name it… I’m up for it…
But I never saw it as risk taking, I saw it as living, to choose to live my life, consciously, to experience life, to squeeze every fucking drop out of life. To me, taking risks isn’t risky, to me, sitting on the couch watching tv, half living is risky.
Taking a change to see who you are and what you’re capable of, to see what you’re made of, born to become, could become if you chased your dreams instead of your fears… that’s living, that’s not risk taking, that’s taking responsibility for my life, my passion, my dreams an not waiting for someone else to give me permission, or go with me, or tell me I can.
I have walked the path, followed, the clues, got off the path, screamed at the path, tried to make the path be the right path, followed the clues, got on new paths, tried to cut paths to the old paths, I have yes to what’s not right too many times, and no to what is right too many times but I’ve also said yes to the right ones and no to the wrong ones enough to end up where I belong.
I am here.
Somehow 10 years at the age of 29 when I walked out of a corporate office with no back up plan I’ve ended up exactly where I felt I was going but didn’t know and wouldn’t have chosen this path.
Stepping stones and are our growth. Will I be here forever? Of course. Because if I learned anything, it’s that the only constant in our lives is change and if we refuse to change the universe will disrupt us constantly, forcing us to grow and change. If you’re born for more, have greatness inside of you that wants to come out, have a dream that claws at you, then you owe it yourself to break out of that shell, to get the help you need, the coaches, the mentors, the tribe, the community you need… because anything else is holding yourself back.
And I don’t know about you… but I’m all about failing forward and taking chances and big giant risks because I know all else is asking my soul to settle for a conditioned life and wild women don’t settle, dust does.
Ps… if you want help on your own wild soul journey reach out -> https://www.wildsoulwomen.com/contact