What I Really Need

I hesitated to share this… for some of the reasons in it… I wanted to edit it… to wait … to hold onto it. See some of my writing is purely for me and others I know I must share. It tugs at me until I do… won’t go away until I do… when I write like this it isn’t for editing or censoring or perfecting and getting it just right…

I only share on my blog and with you the things that pour from my soul… but sometimes I hold them back… my commitment to being truly uncensored in 2020 is to stop doing that.

So here’s what I wrote as I was preparing for the NewYear…

I need to breathe life into myself again

I need to live

I need to be excited

I need to be happy

I need to be me

Whoever she is

However she is

I need to be brave enough to reach inside and grab her

I need to be awakened from my slumber

I need to heal

I need to live

I need to be me

I need to stand firmly on this new foundation I have been building

I need to stand out and say this is me

Take me or leave me

Love me or hate me

I need to be me

I need to love me

I need to have goals and dreams and passions that aren’t weighed down by fears of what I might lose in the pursuit of them

I need to move towards what I want and not suspended in the space of not yet and no more

I need to feel alive, again

Really alive

And I need to feel hopeful

Really hopeful

I need to wake up hungry for my dreams

Passionate for achievement

I need to love myself enough to rest

I need to recover in the aftermath of the bigness of this life I am living

I need to love

Deeply

Fully

Passionately

I need to serve

I need to bleed what I feel into words on pages that make you feel what I feel

I need to express myself not stifle it down on the fear of what you might think that I am not where you think I should be

I need to be free

I need my heart to burst from my chest

I need to explore and expand and devote myself in ways that I cannot explain but I can feel in my blood veins and bones

I need to listen

To that inner voice that beacons me deeper

I need to listen to gut wrenching sadness that whispers truths I don’t want to hear

I need to explore the places inside of me that carry secrets still

I need to listen to my hurt

I need to hear the disappointments

And understand what they are telling me

I need to look at the stars and the moon and into others eyes more

I need to pour myself into something

All of myself

Until me and it blend and twist together into a seas of nothingness and everything that screams whole words and encounters wisdom at me to me inside me

I need to not exist anywhere while I exist everywhere

I need to expand and contract at the same time

I need to rise while being protected

I need to sit behind the gate while exploding into the world

I need to rise

I need to thrive

I need to feel the power of my own potential

I need to feel the possibility

The success

The passion

The belief

The knowing

The loving

The vibing

The winning

The freedom

For I have felt the losing the loss the giving up the prisons the gilded cages and the ropes around my neck

I have felt the trading and the hiding and the devaluing

I have felt the energy drained out of me and set myself on fire to keep another warm.

I have set myself ablaze and burned to ashes

I have lost myself in a sea of sameness and fitting in

I have blended and broken and shattered in ways most people can’t fathom

And it’s time now to see clearly
To awaken deeply
To know fully
To love wholly
To love powerfully
To cut the cords
To open the cages
To smash the locks

To live

It is time for me to live

My own life

Not in the shadows of what someone else wants says is ok trades me gives me promises me or cajoles out of me

It is time for me to live and know fully what that means

It is time for the earth to rumble as I walk

It is time for me to use my sword

It is time for me to stand proudly in who I am and who I have worked to become

It is time to stop shrinking

It is time to own me

It it time to wash from my skin all the debts I have been repaying my entire life

It is is time I made peace with me

It is time I owned my path and walked it fiercely

It is time I surrendered and let go

It is time I turned on and shone so bright they can see me from space

It is time I turned up the heat the volume the noise

It is time I took back what is mine what was taken from me what I gave away

It is time I stood in my own power, possibility and became all I know I can be when I stop censoring and silencing and trading myself for a crumb of affection

It is time I believed in me

It is time I wholly loved me

It is time I became me and let others see me too

It is time I stop shrinking

It is time I started breathing fully deeply breathing gulping in truth and life

It is time I dominated my own life

It is time I stood my own ground

It is time I lived

It is time to be wild

It is time to LIVE fully and wholeheartedly and pour myself into the truth of everyday

Of listening to my soul

Of acting on my soul

I hope you live fully in 2020 and that you are brave enough to stand in your biggest possibility.

Tonya

xoxo

Ps… drop a comment on the blog – it helps 🙂

18 thoughts on “What I Really Need

  1. labradley78 says:

    This will be my mantra and I will return and read it again, and again, and again, as needed. Perfectly written. Thank you for this. I have my sword, and this year it’s gonna cut through all of it.

    Like

  2. Jennifer Coish says:

    This is so deep and perfect for anyone who needs to be reminded of what we need and deserve in life. Thanks for sharing you are a true master of words and thoughts xo

    Like

  3. Nancy says:

    Perfect for setting intentions for this new year. We need to stay fired up for this journey- your words remind me how I need to fully embrace the wild and recognize the ripple effects any drop of change can make.

    Like

Leave a Reply to Alanda Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s