The art of letting go

I’ve always believed that we have have a thought, idea, breakthrough, awarness then we go on a journey to “discover” all of it.

I’ve often found myself having a breakthrough about something, lights on! Then just as fast, I’ve watched myself do the exact same thing. And you know you’re doing it, but it’s like you can’t stop yourself.

This is where we become conscious. The first time we did it, we weren’t aware of what we were doing or why. The second time around, we get to watch ourselves do it.

And hopefully, the third time around, we get to stop doingit and choose different paths.

If I walked down the road and fell into a hole, well I didn’t know the hole was there. The second time I might have forgotten the hole was there, forgot where it was, or was cocky enough to think I wouldn’t fall into the hole.

But the third time I should be choosing a different street.

If we’re falling into the same holes it’s because we haven’t become conscious of what’s happening.

Gaining and losing the weight over and over again? Broke, again. Still staying in a miserable job, miserable life, miserable relationship?

At some point we’re choosing it.

Sometimes we have no idea what drives us and why we ended up where we did. But when we want better or change or more for our lives we have to do something we’ve never done to get something we’ve never had.

We have to change streets.

Letting go, walking away, choosing new streets is an art. It’s a process of becoming consciously aware of what we’re doing and why we’re doing it – what’s driving us underneath it all?

When we find ourselves in the same hole, the same emotion, the same place again and again our work becomes to find out why.

Why am I here, again? Why did I walk down this path, again? Why am I doing this?

When we begin to ask better questions we get better answers. And when we start to get better answers we can find the layers beneath that surface that we need to understand so we can let go and walk away.

I spent my life thinking there is always a way. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And I know this sentiment is popular, especially among the driven, motivated, never give up style.

I always believed I could do more, find a way, fix it. And I’ve beaten myself to a pulp beating the wrong doors on the wrong streets.

I thought holding on was always the answer, holding on when things are rough, holding on through the no’s, holding on through the mediocre, holding on through the bad, holding on through the storms.

And I know this is valid. There is a time for holding on. But I found that holding on was never the problem for me, letting go was. I never seemed to know when to let go.

I always felt like I was giving up on people, walking away from things that could be great or had potential. I was looking at life and people through their potential and not the reality of how they were choosing to show up.

Because here’s the thing. I can change streets. But if I hang out with people who aren’t changing streets, eventually I’m going to end up down in the hole with them.

We can show up, we can stand there lights on and arms out. But we can’t make people show up. We can’t make people choose to move forward. We can’t make people stop walking the same roads and the same streets.

We can’t stop people from their free will and freedom to choose. And even if we can see their solution, it doesn’t matter if they can only see problems.

And as a I stood at the end of the street one day, looking down, seeing so much potential, I also realized that walking down that street meant risking falling into the hole.

So instead I stood at the top of the street. And held out my hand.

But no one came.

So I stopped looking down that street and decided to look around.

And when I did, I found so many streets. And they were filled with beautiful things. Things I loved and wanted and conversations that lit me up. They were filled with people who had also realized we need to stop walking the same roads, and stop banging on doors that don’t open, and stop sitting at tables with people we don’t belong.

And there was no fakeness, no blame, no shame for choosing to walk away. But back on the other street they shouted “you left me” not realizing it was them who chose to stay.

Letting go is an art. Letting go requires deep inner work. Letting go means choosing you and what’s right for you over what you’ve been conditioned to believe is the good thing to do.

Staying in the places because of guilt, staying because they won’t grow with you, staying because you made a mistake, staying because you feel obligated, staying because you feel bad, won’t help you to get where you want to go.

Life is a balance of knowing when to hold on and when to walk away. And that’s why it’s so hard. But the soul always knows the way. Our work is always to get to the place of being able to hear it’s whispers over the roars of the head that will tell us all the reasons we need to stay, hold on, not invest in ourselves, need to “try once more”.

Listening to the soul is the truest art form there is. For we have been conditioned to be the good girls, the fixers, the helpers, the pleasers and at a cost of ourselves.

How dare we walk away and find peace and joy and happiness and bliss and our deepest purpose and live with passion, when we walked away from those “who might have changed one day”.

We are not responsible for someone’s else journey.

We are not responsible for someone’s decision to walk down the same roads.

All we can do is shine the light out, walk down our roads and leave breadcrumbs and trails knowing that one day, like you, someone else is going to be standing at the top of the street, realizing they can’t go there again, and they’ll follow the sounds and lights coming from the streets in which they belong.

Holding on isn’t an art. We’re all good at that.

Letting go is the greatest choice of all.

Tonya

PS… if you enjoy the writing, and want to support the book, you can pick up a copy here -> Unchained

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