Who am I now?
In this new space?
Who am I becoming?
What am I birthing?
With all of pain left in the past.
With the search for what I want outside of me over.
What is inside that I am guided to?
Cleaning process of so I can hear, know, feel again.
Who will I become now?
I have felt unseen my whole life struggling for a space.
To fit.
To matter.
To belong.
And that’s why I struggle with staying visible now.
Why I lose my voice.
Why I have allowed myself to be mistreated.
Because I wasn’t valued as a person.
I didn’t have anything special .
I was hard to love .
In order to be loved I had to be someone else .
And I spent my whole life expecting the pain of that.
Dialing it back.
Stuffing myself inside of myself .
Feeling unimportant.
Ashamed at my attempts to be more .
Feeling insignificant .
Like I don’t matter .
What I have to say doesn’t matter .
If I am there doesn’t matter .
I am used to having a place because of obligation not from want .
I am used to not mattering .
There was a love and a relationship I wanted.
That I have been seeking .
That I realize I won’t ever get .
And it’s time to stop looking for me there .
And start being me here.
It’s time to embrace the quiet and the solitude I have been given.
so I can birth the new and deepest version of me.
So I can let go of the chains that bind me to who I am not.
And who I not longer need to be to get love.
I can give myself the things I need .
And I can answer the things I seek for
I can embrace the me I have never been allowed to be .
And when I stop throwing myself at people who don’t want me.
I can find the ones who do .
So much unpacking .
Has given me back my soul and it’s power .
So much outgrown.
So much left behind .
Nothing but space .
And in this space is the divine .
As the divine whispers to me what I need to know.
It’s all under the stuff I held onto .
Connected and ravelled together .
Pain, shame, failure, fear, loss .
Lies .
Limiting beliefs.
That have whispered to me I am not enough.
And kept me in place where I was not enough.
Now I will fly away.
To find the places where I do fit.
Where I am enough.
Where I am easy to love.
Because the truth is, just because they don’t love you,
Doesn’t mean you’re ununloveable.
Tonya
PS… if you like the writing, pick up a copy of the book -> Unchained
