Unseen

Who am I now? 

In this new space? 

Who am I becoming? 

What am I birthing? 

With all of pain left in the past. 

With the search for what I want outside of me over. 

What is inside that I am guided to? 

Cleaning process of so I can hear, know, feel again.

Who will I become now?

I have felt unseen my whole life struggling for a space. 

To fit. 

To matter. 

To belong. 

And that’s why I struggle with staying visible now.

Why I lose my voice. 

Why I have allowed myself to be mistreated. 

Because I wasn’t valued as a person. 

I didn’t have anything special .

I was hard to love .

In order to be loved I had to be someone else .

And I spent my whole life expecting the pain of that. 

Dialing it back. 

Stuffing myself inside of myself .

Feeling unimportant. 

Ashamed at my attempts to be more .

Feeling insignificant .

Like I don’t matter .

What I have to say doesn’t matter .

If I am there doesn’t matter .

I am used to having a place because of obligation not from want .

I am used to not mattering .

There was a love and a relationship I wanted. 

That I have been seeking .

That I realize I won’t ever get .

And it’s time to stop looking for me there .

And start being me here. 

It’s time to embrace the quiet and the solitude I have been given.

so I can birth the new and deepest version of me. 

So I can let go of the chains that bind me to who I am not. 

And who I not longer need to be to get love. 

I can give myself the things I need .

And I can answer the things I seek for

I can embrace the me I have never been allowed to be .

And when I stop throwing myself at people who don’t want me.

I can find the ones who do .

So much unpacking .

Has given me back my soul and it’s power .

So much outgrown. 

So much left behind .

Nothing but space .

And in this space is the divine .

As the divine whispers to me what I need to know. 

It’s all under the stuff I held onto .

Connected and ravelled together .

Pain, shame, failure, fear, loss .

Lies .

Limiting beliefs.

That have whispered to me I am not enough.

And kept me in place where I was not enough.

Now I will fly away.

To find the places where I do fit.

Where I am enough.

Where I am easy to love.

Because the truth is, just because they don’t love you,

Doesn’t mean you’re ununloveable.

Tonya

PS… if you like the writing, pick up a copy of the book -> Unchained

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